Category: Saturday Discussions in Rehab

Own Your Recovery!

Seems like a simple enough thing to say.

Because addiction is a disease of the spirit, a disease of connection. I spend most of my time in recovery trying to arm you against the pitfalls I have both experienced and seen in my recovery. That does not mean it will happen, it is a reminder that it can happen, you should be ready.

I am passionate about my compassion for addicts and the disease of addiction.

I have seen and know personally the pain in both the addiction and the aftermath. I shared personal stories about watching my best friend relapse and the stories of my kids watching me spiral in my addiction. These are the reasons for the message. If you can come now to a place of hope, instead of destruction and fear. I feel strongly that you should want to stay in that place. So considering all the trouble you have gone to put on your pants on and show up to rehab, let’s make the best of it.

The key to this is to recognize right here right now that no one is going to do this for you. You will find plenty of help and support if you look in the right places, but no one can do it for you. I have seen so many and know many more that get stuck in the hard work of recovery. They spin there wheels and then slowly but surely they slip, then they beat themselves with drugs and alcohol, then they realize they are done, then they start this process all over. Or they die, or they end up killing someone else. This is the cycle. So it matters because you matter, and I matter. How we do this makes a difference.

I spend a lot of time with recovering addicts, I see and hear stories on a weekly basis of the struggle and the victories that follow us on this sometimes scary journey. I have looked at and tried to model my recovery after others who have seen great success. I hope everyone in recovery finds those people in recovery, of course this can be a therapist, a coach, a family member, or even a friend in long term recovery. The key is simpler than all the words I have put down. If you want what they have, then do what they do.

I cannot share this message in any other way than the way I learned it so now 6 paragraphs later let’s talk about the process of me, owning my recovery.

I am a grown ass man who had let his entire life go to shit at the hands of heroin and cocaine, I added alcohol and sex for good measure but I was finding my way to the serious depths of one shitty existence when I came to door of recovery. Broken and broke, physically only a stone’s throw from death and an attitude of pure self-hatred.  I was without a doubt a living breathing step 1.

  1. “We admitted we were powerless over drugs—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

With that in mind I had no idea what to expect when I got into recovery and well it only took me one surrendered phone and a  strip search to realize I hated it. So as soon as I was able to put together a thought I set some early recovery goals. These were then, and they are now my recovery goals. Use them to make your own goals, or at least think about goals.

  • First Goal: Never ever live my life in a way that requires someone else to manage it. My life must remain manageable, this means I will live my life in a way that insures I get to go to bed when I want, get up when I want, and keep my phone! For me, an insane control freak, this was one of the hardest things to deal with in recovery. This seriously defective thinking pushes me to push all boundaries and rules. It is something I work on every day in my life now, but for me having my rights to think and do the things I wanted in my life, served to remind me that I was living in a way that actually destroyed my freedom. I mean drug addiction is a flat out prison, but I never saw it until I found recovery. I enjoy my freedom to much to risk relapse.
  • Second goal: Do something every single day to grow in recovery. For me this has not just been working the steps, which is a separate deal. This means grow! Challenge myself, push the boundary of what I know about myself and others. This goal became so important in my time in rehab, because I became a student of my addiction. Pushing friends, counselors, and really anyone I could find to help me understand the disease. What happened to my brain, why did this get this bad, what I could do in the future to help insure this never happens again. I listen to and read books on psychology, addiction, vulnerability, growth, commitment, and spirituality.

No one thing I did personally changed me more than reading the book Buddha’s Brain. This was not my cup of tea, and really my roommate and I read it together thinking it would help us sleep. What it really did was open our eyes to the benefits of mindfulness, bottom line is it made us better students of the recovery process. So many had a hand in my early recovery, but this book was in there for sure.

  • Third goal: Never watch the news. That one was really hard, and once in a while it still is. I am coming up on two years without the news, and early on this goal was wrapped in a different idea when I left rehab, but it has become this and I accept it. I am still connected to my community and events locally through my phone and other social media. I simply will not give one minute of my time to the fleecing of America through the channels of fear created by a 24 hour news cycle. This is a big one and I encourage everyone in here to think about and decide what influences they want in life. Because I over simplify by saying do not watch the news, I am picky about all my media. Music, television, and other entertainment. I cannot stay mindful otherwise. (That was Really Preachy, sorry not sorry)
  • Fourth goal: It took very little time for me in rehab to see my Higher Power at work on my behalf, to many amazing miracles to close together to ever deny or rationalize. I give the credit to my Higher Power as often as I can and stay rooted in a place that helps me realize my hopeless addiction is kept at bay because I followed the steps that led me back to him. I still work on this every day. I am a spiritual person who is still finding my place with my Higher Power, but I know without a doubt none of this for me was possible without God.
  • Fifth goal: By far the hardest goal was to put my recovery first. I have done this on many occasions, lost friends, upset family, and even nearly watched my best friend die. Bottom line is, if I am dead then I don’t need recovery, and I am attached to the fact that recovery is hard work. I don’t want to throw it away making a bad choice. I can safely say now, protected by the gift of hindsight that it has worked out very well. There have been events, parties, and poker games I have missed out on…. But really have I missed out? Perception is reality and my perception of anything that threatens my recovery is that it is a waste of time and I don’t need it anyway.

Hopefully you have found some resolve and some ideas for what might help you stay on the path of recovery when you move forward.

I think it is important now that I have laid out all of this process, to remind everyone in here that it does not take this back breaking effort to do this.  I learned the steps, I worked them, I do my best now to follow them, but if I get pissed off at work I don’t think… Hmmm what step am I on.  No I do my best, and then I stay honest and reflect. I ask and if I need to make corrections then I do it, or I do my best. I fall back all the time on the idea that this is about progress not perfection.

All of this serves a purpose getting way back to the opening lines of the handout. This disease is a disease of the Spirit, is a disease of connection. The greatest blessings in my recovery have come from connections, I am better connected to God, I am better connected to my kids and my family and friends. Most overlooked but critically important, I am connected to me. I have compassion for myself and love for the journey I am on. This is the reward, this is the point and purpose of recovery. Recovery is not about avoiding problems or running from them, it is about acceptance, and not just blind stale minded acceptance. It is about seeing the cards you have been dealt and finding a way to play them. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t! Who gives a shit, because at least you are in the game.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” – Anne Frank

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” – Albert Camus

“No level of my own imagination could have begun to imagine my life as it is now, at no time did I worry about how great things could be. When it was hard I kept moving forward, when it was easy I kept moving forward, Right now I am still moving forward.”

 

Four years clean!!! How did I do it

I have spent so much of the last four years answering the question “How have you stayed clean? “ I continue to ponder, and refine my response as I learn more and more about my own recovery. So I thought I would lend my understanding for those of you willing. This is a process. There is no way for me to give to you what I have gained over the last four years, however I can share and hope to inspire, in other words, I can lead you to the water…… It is however up to you to drink. Recovery has to work like that because we are all beautiful snowflakes, no one process is going to work for everyone. The outline however remains the same, and I find myself saying this over and over to addicts all over. “Please go easy on yourself, this takes time, energy, and guts to make this happen.” Who cares, nothing in life is free! So with that first little bit in mind, figure out where you are on the journey and lets review some self-starters and other ideas to add to your arsenal of coping skills. Chances are you will find the glove that fits, and when you do….. Nothing can stop you!! Grab on to that, because as a recovering addict/alcoholic you do have a chance to learn things about yourself that without your addiction may have never been discovered. I have said and will say over and over that recovery is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

  • Answer the question….. Why?

This is always a tough one for me to bring up in early recovering addicts but I do it anyway. As a top notch heroin junkie for years I know that asking me anything back then would have been a canned, bullshit response filled with my narcissism and peppered with the lies I told myself to survive.  However I am acutely aware of the reality that this answer came very early in recovery and might have been easier for me than it is for others.  My “why” was centered on restoring hope to my children and providing a chance for them to succeed in this crazy world. I did not need a therapist to tell me, my addiction put all of my kids in a really shitty dangerous place (my therapist did still tell me) I just didn’t need them too.  This great purpose in early recovery grew into the purpose I fulfill now with addicts. How could I have gained so much in recovery and not want to share it with everyone who would listen. Okay that is getting ahead of myself but the answer to the question why, was really to be a father again, to be connected again to my kids, everything trickled down from that core principle. So if you are not a Mother or a Father, you are something else and that is fine. Addicts, humans, family, friends, the world, and I could go on and on. You need to be connected, you need a purpose, and you need to know why that matters!

  • You Matter!

Your voice needs to be heard. You may not believe that now, but there is beauty in that. This can be your moment of self-discovery. Your worth is based on your perception…. THAT IS REALITY! What anyone else thinks may have mattered for every minute of your life up until now, but focus up!  You got yourself into this mess and you are fully capable of getting yourself out. Find the place that scares you and start digging in. You don’t have to be fake not even a little, as a matter of fact the closer you get to the core of who you are and what you believe the more vulnerable and life altering your recovery will be.

  • You can cry if you want to.

This is one of the toughest most significant changes in my life. During my drug use I spent very little time connected to the real me. Early in my recovery I found a friend, he was a tough looking skater type (these were my pre conceived and incorrect judgements, that’s a topic for a whole different handout.) He was a skater and he was a tough guy, but I remember the first time things got super deep in group, I looked up and he was crying, I lost it, I have been an unapologetic crier ever since that moment. I had been taught all my life that “real” men did not cry. This meant years of repressed emotions were about to come pouring out of me, and they did. Now I was like that for several months before I kind of re-centered myself and was able to communicate without fear that these emotional “fits” would get in my way. When I do get emotional I just try to slow down, I do not apologize and I do not regret letting people see this very real and human side of me, it has cultivated so many deep and meaningful connections. I encourage you to feel what you feel. This might be the single most significant thing in your life right now. The reason I say that is simple, there is no way to fully step into recovery without first knowing who you are and what makes you tick. Why are you sad? What makes you happy? Why are you angry? What motivates you? To answer these vital questions you are going to need to be emotionally connected to who you truly are. The authentic self.

  • Be accountable.

This one is going to be super important and probably pretty uncomfortable especially early on in recovery, but really all the time. We have to be true to what we are doing, who we are, and what we say. This is going to be pretty foreign territory for most good drug addicts, since to really be good at this we had to become Unaccountable for just about everything, we had to make everything someone else’s fault.  Now we not only need to look internally for the cues that we are not thinking in our most honest way, we also need to be accountable for all these “recovery” related rules. This is a huge learning curve and it blows a ton of recovering addicts right back to the streets. We have to follow the rules. Whatever the rules are, you should know some are created for the sole purpose of teaching you this principle of living. Others are for your safety, either way what does it matter. You signed up now follow the rules. Life works the exact same way. I cannot tell you what a hard and shitty realization it was for me. Here is the ultimate reality, not following rules may in your mind go undiscovered, for me not following rules and allowing Shane to escape accountability while I was in rehab nearly killed him, and most definitely set his recovery back. Because I was not accountable and held to some bullshit “code” he nearly died and I would have shared in the responsibility in that.  I am thankful for how it worked out, but bottom line is the best way to the best possible recovery is through the most honest and accountable process you can find. It will never be perfect, it should always be your best effort.

  • Be Brave.

No one could ever take this one from me. I learned early and often that it would take courage to recover. I still work on this constantly, that the beauty of the process, it will always be evolving and get better and harder. Courage is defined in my mind, as moving forward even though it is uncertain and hard.  For a control freak like me that statement alone is enough to create a mild panic attack. I have throughout my recovery and in my personal life, intentionally created situations with uncertain outcomes. When I take a Sunday drive, I have no idea where I might end up. What I try to pay attention too is the payoff at the end. I have countless personal stories about courage. I can say and have said many times that one of the things I picked up in my recovery came from a close personal friend. She taught me that 5 seconds of courage could change your entire life. I have on numerous occasions used her tiny little voice in my head to move towards doing amazing things, I said yes to my first public speaking assignment because of courage, I have said yes to so many things that I ran in fear of before. This is the one promise I can make, you will live a more connected and more fulfilling life when you rely on courage rather than make choices based in fear. Remember fear is typically based in an “old” script. Chances are as a recovering addict you are not who or what you think you are. You are powerful and capable of far more than you can imagine. The only way to prove that is to take 5 seconds of courage and jump in with both feet. So easy to say and so hard to do. Practice, practice, practice.

  • Work for balance.

Finding your way to balance in life is such a monumental challenge at times. I want you to look at areas where your life is out of balance. This right now may be super obvious and a lack of balance is somewhat normal while you try to find your bearings in recovery, this might mean that your job, family life, love life, and social behavior are all shifted for a time. You cannot just declare that you want balance, as a matter of fact you can run on three wheels for a lot longer than you think. My point in telling you that is to remind you that just knowing your life is out of balance will not change a damn thing. You need to make the effort to move to a more centered place in your life. Best example for me to put some perspective on this will over simplify but will help you see what I mean. Let’s say I have set a goal to lose weight….. I know I need to eat right and exercise. This seem like simple program, now let’s add in the idea that I work full time, I have a girlfriend, I have 4 kids, and I am hooked on three different shows on Netflix. Now this may not be far from my actual reality, but as long as I have a purpose and I am goal oriented it is easy to see that my priorities will have to shift to maintain balance. It does not say all or any one thing needs to be cut out, but things will have to change. The reason I bring it up at all, because my default is to try and maintain all of these things at the current level I either need more hours in a 24 hour day or all of them will suffer. Looking for and understanding balance is so critical to living in the gray area and not pushing yourself into black and white disastrous thinking patterns.

  • Be motivated.

I wish just saying this could be all it takes. I find being motivated so easy when things are going my way…. Funny right that I do great staying engaged when things are easy. The key to recovery and the key to a rock solid foundation to live on, is finding ways to stay motivated when life is throwing all it has straight at your face. You must know something about motivation or you would still be out on the street using and abusing.  Something burns inside of you, something that whispers to you that you are more than what you have come to accept, you are bigger and more powerful than the storm. In order to tame your demons you will need to be motivated. For me this comes from the clearly defined goals that govern my life. It is easy for me even on the toughest of days to do a few small things that move me toward my goals in my purpose. This provides a thought pattern that reminds me I am a powerful and unstoppable force. This allows me to recognize that only I can get in my way. With these little “pump up” sessions I am typically able to push my way through walls and climb over obstacles. All of this super tough talk is great and it gets me though a lot of struggle, but when the physical forces of sickness, trauma, tragedy, that are all very real close in around you. Do not use “motivation, or the lack of” to create a world of failure and negative self-talk. Look at the scope of all you are doing and above all be compassionate with yourself and those that you love and love you.

  • Finally Be Positive.

This leads me to the single most important tenant of recovery and my life. Positive is not some bullshit idea that I came up with. It takes a mountain of work and strong mental ability to live in a world of positive, when everything that comes your way sometimes feels shrouded in darkness. I can tell you it is also not some cockeyed bullshit rose colored glass approach I have to reality. I know shit gets real, and I know shit gets real bad. What I refuse to acknowledge is that means I have to change my lens. My lens gets dirty, sometimes downright cracked and covered with shit! I hear and see things that feel like my heart could break and everything I am trying to maintain could just leak out. In those moments I turn to my peers, those who I love and that love me.  Finally is the super vital practice of understanding your brain and working towards rewiring it. Have you ever wondered why on a relatively good day, one bad thing can happen and that is all you think about, or how about when a relationship is going well and fine, but you can only focus on one little fight, or a time your feelings got hurt. This is because we default to the negative, this is the protective bias of the human brain.  Negative sticks like Velcro and positive seems to slip off like a nonstick frying pan. So the remedy to this, the “practice” for you to improve, is to become oriented to the positive experiences in your life. This can be self-created or the moments in everyday that you enjoy, the key is to take in those moments, experience them and make strong mental note of them, for me this all started in the sauna at the gym. I started meditating there, soon it became a place of refuge for me in almost every day and because I enjoyed it, and because I had experienced it in such a positive way, my default to any tough day was to get to the sauna, now I have learned and practiced this in several areas of my life, but I find great positive moments, fishing, walking, working out, the sauna etc. These are just thought starters, everybody does something they enjoy….. Are you truly enjoying it?

For me all of these things needs to be part of your process, they will help you reconnect to yourself, which will provide the means to connect to others, which by the way is the core key component of every single recovery program out there. You need to reconnect. Life is an extraordinary, challenging adventure. You have to be engaged in the process of living it or you will miss it.

Acceptance (Presented for the Saturday Discussion in Rehab)

No single word carries more multiple layered meaning in recovery than the word Acceptance. If you are like me then the word can cause a fair amount of discomfort & anxiety. I guess the first thing you should know is that is normal, okay, and even in long term recovery or everyday life acceptance is still going to feel this way most of the time.

For me and my personal journey acceptance came in the form of a radical overhaul of my entire thought process. This started about thirty days into my in-patient recovery process. During those first thirty days I tried as hard as I could to break every rule, sneak around the system, and prove the councilors did not know shit. Needless to say these were all terrible addict brain ideas, but they fit my lifestyle at the time very well.  Okay so on day 31 I was hell bent to check myself out, I was determined that I was recovered, that I knew all I needed and that the staff assessment was wrong.  After much discussion two strong councilors encouraged me to “come have a chat”. Each had different things to say, but the second one began with a question. “How bad do you want to be free from drugs, how badly do you want to stay alive?” This was one of those defining moments where instead of being a narcissistic smart ass I actually considered the question.

“Maybe in truth I was not ready, maybe she had a point!”

Here is what happened over the next 45 to 50 days I made it a point to just accept the fact that I was sick, that I needed help, and that I did not know how to help myself. That was really step one, and a very easy way to tie in the 12 steps….. SINCE THAT IS STEP 1. Hahahah I just realized that as I was typing this. Someone should write this shit down.

Okay so let’s just move through some facts about acceptance and see if we can get anyone uncomfortable enough to talk about it.

  • Acceptance does not mean liking wanting or choosing OR EVEN CONDONING.

Consider the idea of accepting pain as part of the recovery process. Clearly no one wants to be in pain, however by accepting the reality then you avoid creating a reality where you struggle against the pain itself. You already have enough to do in recovery without creating more things to overcome. Accepting that it will be hard even overwhelming at times will allow you to focus on that alone.

  • Acceptance is a learned and will need to be practiced.

I can really over simplify my journey by writing about a 60 day period of time in two paragraphs. Yes I became willing and that is part of acceptance, but I had to remind myself countless times in early recovery that I was my own worst enemy in my head and that I had to learn another way. Learning to read, learning to walk, learning is a commitment and learning acceptance will be no different.

  • Acceptance does not mean “ignore progress or setting goals.” Seriously one of my greatest fears was that accepting my situation as an addict meant I would somehow lose sight of my desire to change it. You do not need to marry acceptance to apathy. I accept that recovery is a challenge and I accept that I am capable of doing hard things. It is not about giving up, it is about accepting that you can’t give up. I accept that I am a larger man that does not mean I am happy with it, I also accept that I can change it, but it will take work.  I accept that, see it is some serious steps sometimes, but if I just knew I was large and that was it, I would make myself miserable everyday just for the sake of feeling like I am doing something, that is not acceptance.  In order to be accepted you must look at the situation as honestly as you can.

Acceptance in this form is a method for coping with, experiences, people, places, and situational emotions etc.  Once you have figured this out, it will apply so easily to so many parts of your life. Learning to accept your role in relationships, work, habits, and of course addict behavior will not only help you, but you see other roles in your life.

Acceptance has been such an amazing and difficult part of my journey, because of it I have grown so much and learned so much. Take into account that I am a huge jackass control freak. Accepting I cannot control things is still right now today like pulling a huge molar out of a healthy mouth. I was not surprised as I did research to present today that a reliable source for information came from Psycology Today website, in the article she was quick to point out that the best method for learning acceptance was the serenity prayer from AA.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

“The wisdom contained in this succinct but powerful invocation is timeless, and its central premise resonates with almost everyone. On some level, we all know how important it is to accept the things we cannot change. What the research shows, and most of our experiences validate, is that our willingness to accept the unchangeable has a great deal to do with our emotional and psychological well-being. Whether we’re talking about a financial crisis, a health diagnosis, the loss of an important relationship, or any other unanticipated, unpleasant event, fighting what is won’t make it not so. Instead, when we do battle with reality, we cripple our capacity to cope with the situation and manage all the emotions we experience in response to it.

A big part of healing and recovering from the painful parts of life is accepting what’s taken place. In order to move on, we must first acknowledge what’s happening now. But, as all of us know, this is much easier said than done. Despite being one of the most important life hacks any of us can master, the practice of acceptance is enduringly difficult.” (Denise Fournier Ph.D)

I chose this topic for two reasons!

First is the critical nature of learning acceptance in early recovery. I have given several personal illustration on how this helped me. You don’t have to believe me, but it will be no different for you. Embracing the need for radical change and the need to endure the process is acceptance, and that will lead you to the first step, the natural progression of the steps will take hold in your life and recovery will truly begin.

Important to note that I am here to help you find long term sustainable recovery and a life of joy and fulfillment. With that said here is the number 2 reason for the topic.

Second is the amazing way that life just happens, the unforeseen challenges, the crazy way life unfolds. See learning to accept in early recovery becomes the ability to always accept (for the most part). This means that the inevitable challenges that you will face in the coming years of your life can be accepted without the need to go get drunk or high, or numb out at all for that matter. Look there is no perfect life, and the only people without problems are dead. So you will face problems, accepting them and grabbing them by the throat is the way to move forward in LIFE.  Relationships, jobs, kids, siblings, girls, boys, and death are all quick easy reference points for where trouble can arise. It is okay, you don’t have to know the answers now, just accept that life is a journey and then start walking. You can learn as you go, most of the time it is a freaking crazy ass fun journey. Sometimes more crazy ass than fun, but it is what it is!!!!

I really want to find a way to release all of you from the painful experiences of recovery, but the truth is you will grow from them. The truth is failing to accept reality as it is creates pain where there is already enough pain to go around.  I beg you to hear me when I say that acceptance is the key to serenity, it is the best and the fastest way to get the gerbil off the wheel. You do not need to go through recovery hanging by a thread and hoping you don’t get hit with a bomb. Accept what you cannot change, work on what you can, pray for the wisdom to know which is which.

“Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”

Paul Tournier

The Wreckage

There is really not one way to move forward with the wreckage in recovery. There are a lot of really little ways. So with that said I thought I would try to move us towards understanding the value in what we have become, instead of focusing on the dread of who we were.

Addiction is one of the most destructive forces unleashed on the earth, it has laid waste to the hopes, dreams, and futures of millions of us. Not to mention the lasting effect and suffering of the families and friends who have lost some of us on the journey, the untold stories, the wasted futures, the unborn sons and daughters. I cannot speak with enough passion, you get it. This shit is as real as it gets. This is the battle for life and death, good versus evil, David versus Goliath.

The fantastic often unnoticed reality is by sitting with other recovering addicts you have found a way even if only briefly to glimpse the awesome power that can come from staring the Devil in the face and living to tell the tale. You have found a way through either personal, family, or legal means to get your asses to recovery. Now that you are there you had better see this from the right perspective, because the reality is you are among the elite now. As of right now you are a survivor in a battle that leaves few with anything, and even less alive at all.

So what this now comes down to is…..

What are you going to do with the chance you have been given.

Because you do in fact have a choice.

  • You can take a brief reprieve from the destructive force of your addiction, catch your breath, and enjoy a few days, weeks, or months in the sunshine. Many do recovery like this, I am not sure it works, but they might argue.
  • You could just learn what you can and step into a new pair of shoes, hoping and praying the day never comes when you are truly tested.
  • Then again you could turn this new chance into the turning point in your life, a literal rebirth! A chance to not just see the sun shine again but a chance to actually call it through the clouds for yourself and for others. A chance to actually stand face first into the wind and face it with courage, strength, and the new found knowledge that you are a survivor!

The last line is key to the message. The life you have lived in addiction has most likely had a hideous and ugly effect on more than just you. We can all read this and immediately reference the ones we have loved and hurt. The ones we have lied too, manipulated, enabled, and abused. So where does that leave them?

It is nearly impossible for me to talk about still, but one of the hardest days I faced in recovery, was the first Sunday visiting days. I came into my rehab on a Saturday night, my son’s birthday no less October 31, 2014. I did not see my kids for a week. I remember how nervous I was to see them. They walked into the living room looking so scared, like kids visiting a dying family member, I was gripped with guilt and was trying not to burst into a fit of fearful& remorseful crying. I took them out to the basketball court to get some privacy and when my last kids foot hit they court, they burst into tears, clinging to me and crying, my oldest was 18 then and she was inconsolable for the first hour, each of my kids was just a wreck. I got through the visit the best I could, but I was so low and suicidal when they left I was starting to face the realities that I had tried to run from for the last ten years and it was an ugly reality. These four kids had been forced by me and my addiction to sit on the sideline and spectate my day by day attempts to get high or die trying.

I showed up to next morning to group on the edge of bailing out, ready to run, I had never wanted to use so badly in my life. I voiced it, and the group was split between some long term addicts close to graduation, and a lot of newbies who were in as bad or worse shape than me. Then the process begun, and one day at a time I started to work through the pain. I started to see the way the process of recovery could be a rebirth, it could give me a chance to be a newer better version of myself. As I type this it occurs to me that this is the key. You must commit to moving forward in this process, get vulnerable and stay vulnerable with the ones you love. Don’t be a pretender in this, you have caused pain and hurt! Now let those you have hurt hear and see what your pain looks like and try to see how their pain feels. Listen to the way they have felt and what they have endured. During this process you will find new and lasting places of compassion for yourself and for those you love.

You should be able to go through the process of recovery expecting that everyone you make amends to should be able to see your living amends at work every day. Always remember you cannot talk your way out of something you behaved your way into. So “Sorry” doesn’t mean shit! Listen carefully to your critical family members, they have most likely been hurt the most. Let me tell you I did none of this on my own, everyone that wanted to come walk through this shit with me was welcome and they came. My kids came and read horrible painful letters to me in my therapist office. My parents sat across from me to tell me the boundaries I crossed, the pain, and the anger they were feeling. My lifelong friend called several times and came to see with his own eyes that I was changing. My younger brothers & sister flew from where they lived to come be a part of my recovery. I welcomed them. I wanted to face as much truth as I could and then walk through the process with my councilors and peers in recovery. I can safely say every single thing about my life was touched, effected, and changed in recovery. I could not wait to get out and start showing the world the new me.

The thought now that I was willing to author my own destruction still shakes me, but it literally crushes my heart to think I was willing to destroy my children, my family, and my friends in the process. I own that every day, and it is painful, but it is honest. Most importantly I cannot change what was, I can change what is and look forward to what I hope will be. For right now, now is all I have. I make the most of it.

So what are the things I did, here are suggestions for you.

First is honesty;

I mean brutal painful, vulnerable honesty. As good as you can make it and as true as you can take it. If you are painful honest with people they will be painful honest with you. All the bullshit slips away and the bare roots of love are exposed and allowed to grow in a new and honest way. For me this has led to great blessings and some serious pain. As a father being brutally honest with my four kids was brutally hard, but not nearly as brutal as them being that honest with me. Controlling myself as my kids divulged sexual activity, drinking, and suicidal thoughts and actions elevated me to new places of self-discovery. It also has kept my kids close to me and in a loving and trusting place every steps of my recovery. I would not have it any other way.

The same brutal honesty took me out of the horrible darkness my divorce caused. Allowing the truth of my infidelity and addict behavior to be reasons my ex-wife and children all understood for our divorce was a hard place to be, but it also allowed for understanding, compassion and forgiveness from my kids, and it gave my ex-wife a lot of ammo, she already had it anyway, but it also gave her no more wall to push against. This ended bitter and ugly communication patterns, and enabled the entire family to start to heal.

Second is make the decision;

This needs to be seriously considered every day you stay clean. You cannot sit on the fence of addiction. You are either done or you are not. You CANNOT live in both worlds. You are not the one that has special powers over your drug, or drinks. You either decide here and now to recover and do this, or you are wasting your time and life will continue to be everyone else fault and you will continue to be the victim of your addiction. I have seen it over and over in recovery. If you have not made the choice, then your future is uncertain. There is no try, only DO! (Star Wars quotes in recovery)

Third has got to be humility;

Maybe someone other than me should cover this because my humility is buried somewhere under a mountain of pride….. I did and I do continue to find it. The key for me here is in my higher power. I was counseled by my religious leaders early in my marriage to recognize Gods hand in all good things in my life. When I stopped doing that and started patting myself on the back for every little thing I had and that I had done. My life as I knew it slipped away and I spent 10 years getting crushed under the weight of my own pride.  Once I realized that I was at the mercy of my higher power to save me from this horrible story I had written and let him take over, everything, and I mean everything has gotten infinitely better. There is no quicker way to loosen my pride and put my ego in check than on my knees praying to the God of my understanding. Expressing the deep gratitude I have for my children, for my life, for my job, my friends, all of you, every little thing. Oh yeah fishing, football, family, bbq, I am a living breathing miracle as are all of you. I try to remember that every single day.

Fourth is patience;

Oh holy shit you are going to need all of this and then some of everybody else to get through early recovery. The greatest gift of our D.O.C., any D.O.C., is we get high and we don’t give crap about anything we are numb, Well you have now been thrust into a world of caring about every little thing, you will need to practice, then practice some more, I practice almost every day. Key for me is meditation, I say the serenity prayer still about 30 times a day, whatever it takes. I know one thing, when I let my patients slip and I get mad, everything goes downhill from there. So I do all I can to stay patient, loving and understanding. Yes my oldest daughter and my mom still ask me at least a few times a month or more if I am “okay”, if I am using, and if I need help. It feels frustrating until I really think where those questions come from…. They come from deep and painful trauma I caused. This reminds me to be compassionate and grateful to them for the love. Who deserves my patience more than them, they deserves to be reassured time after time that I am still good. This will be a pleasure for me as long as I live. I need no validation from them in my recovery, my recovery is its own validation. They deserve my unending compassion.

Fifth has got to be compassion;

This is compassion for you and compassion for all of those who have been tangled in your mess. No matter where you stand with them now, you should be ready to own the pain you have caused. Maybe you will never get a chance to do a proper amends, because of hard feelings, death, or it could harm them. This means you will need to process these emotional feelings yourself and trust me you will need compassion. When you formulate the method and ideas for making amends with others as you go forward, if compassion is your guide you will almost never fail. Compassion which is defined as the concern for others suffering will always serve you well. You need to be careful not to allow it to become co-dependent pity or sympathy. Allowing yourself to imagine what your loved ones have felt and dealt with can be one of the most valuable steps in recovery….. by the way, it will hurt a lot if you are doing it right. Seeing your life through the eyes of someone else will help you attach to the two versions of you. The addict who you are leaving behind, and the loving warrior you are becoming. If you do this right it will move you to a higher healthier place in recovery.

Do the work!!

No one can do this for you, the harder it feels the more you will grow. Remember that everything you learn here can be applied to better and happier living throughout your life, today it is all about drugs and alcohol, but tomorrow it will be about something else. Seeing a clear path to living a more connected life of fulfillment in line with your values is the real definition of Happiness. You deserve it, the ones you love deserve it, go and get it!

Perpetually Permeate Positivity

The rule is easy you have to make a choice to be positive. The reasons for your negative feelings has been wrapped up and hidden in the world of your addiction. So as you move forward this will get easier.

Likely the best part about being positive are the effects it has on you and everyone around you. That may seem cliche and sound silly, but you get back exactly what you put into this life. That rule never applies more than it does to the power of positive thinking. As you feel more positive, you will see and find more positive in your life.  It creates a domino effect in your life as those around you feel and become more positive.

The power of positivity is far reaching when it comes to building a new life in addiction recovery. Sustained focus on happiness helps people to live life to its fullest.

Let’s look at the perks of positivity.

  • Positivity has been shown to boost the immune system, meaning your body will fight off infections better and you stay healthy longer.
  • Positivity has been shown to actually reduce inflammation.
  • When we are more positive we feel more energetic, thus we do more things we enjoy in life.
  • When we are positive we are more likely to achieve our goals.
  • When we are positive we are better equipped to deal with stress.
  • Positive people attract positive people, this can create more positive relationships.
  • Positivity can help you live longer, happier, and more fulfilled life.

These things are all important to understand in recovery because:

  • Living and feeling more positive will reduce the risk of relapse on alcohol or other DOC.
  • Positive mindset and energy will give you purpose and happiness in recovery.
  • By being positive you attract positive this creates likeminded positive thinkers and feelers in your recovery support network.
  • When you are in recovery and the challenges of the process step up, your positive feelings will help guard against overwhelming stress or despair.
  • Maybe most beneficial this gives you a look at what life can feel like outside the world of drugs and alcohol, it can be the mortar in your brick by brick foundation of recovery.

Okay so living a happy and positive life is a choice and we can make it, but it often takes a conscious effort. Here are some tips for living happily & more positive.

  • Look for the positive. I can tell you from experience that I have found ways to laugh and have fun at some seriously f-ed up situations. This helps remind me that the situation will get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So consider this when you look at a tough situation. What is positive about the situation (sometimes you will really have to use your imagination)

Is there an opportunity in this situation to do somethings more positive? Instead of beating yourself up and looking at the mud you are in, figure out how to get out of the mud.

  • Work on more positive relationships. This is another easy one for me, I surround myself with positive people close in my life, I don’t judge, but I make a choice to not engage with or stick around with negative people whenever possible. Most of the time in my circles I am the negative one, something I need to work on and pay attention to always.
  • Slow it down. You notice when you are stressed and negative things seem to spiral and we make bad choices and snap decisions. Best advice, slow it all down. Enjoy the moment you are in, whether you are driving, eating, talking, showering, hey just recovering. Take your time in the process. We have been programmed since are early youth to always hurry, just take a breath for hell sake!
  • Give back. Find service, nothing will make you feel better faster than doing good deeds for someone else. This is the best kept secret of all the passionate purveyors of positivity they give of their money, their time, and themselves often and with passion. This is a key in recovery that goes far beyond drugs and alcohol. Can’t figure out how to serve? Just be helpful, become an amazing listener, and spread Joy.
  • Give yourself permission to be you. One of the hardest parts of anyone’s life is STEPPING INTO THE LIGHT OF WHO THEY REALLY ARE. So many of us have taken on the judgement of others or worn masks afraid of who we really are. The messages we tell ourselves shapes our fear and what we believe about who we are. Our gift and our blessing in recovery is the ability to shed the persona and become us. The men and women we once set out to be. Giving ourselves permission to be is a critical step in positive thinking.

The way that you think will impact the way you experience the world – and it will impact your recovery from addiction. Taking positive action to generate positivity will help get you there

Now with all these fancy words and a lot of hard work you might get through a few hours or even a day and you will be fine, but with-out shifting and permanently changing your thought process it will be short lived. For me the feeling of being and remaining positive are sometimes so foreign in nature that not being able to feel positive becomes like part of the break down. So let us use the resource Buddah’s Brain to walk through some solid practice. Please follow me to the next page.

From Chapter 6 (Buddah’s Brain) with commentary from a reader (me)

  • It is important to cool, or eliminate your causes of suffering and to warm up the causes of your happiness. Intentions is a powerful way to do this, intentions involve strength applied to clear and appropriate goals, sustained over time. Most of the time our intentions take over and work in the background without our awareness. Keeping our intentions pure is part of a solid recovery strategy and will benefit us in ways we cannot even imagine.
  • The key to pure intentions is to move our emotions towards the principle not the outcome. So if you are doing good for someone else, you need not be attached to how they receive it.
  • Become aware of how you feel during these times and recognize where the feelings came from, this will give you power to begin calling these emotions up when you need or want to experience them, they also get added to the bank of emotions. It will also add to a measure of your confidence, giving you the ability to trust your own emotions as you move further in recovery.

Listen this is a pretty loose and liberal translation of the Buddha’s Brain teaching, the book goes deep into the Neuroscience behind the emotions feelings and behaviors. So if you want to know more, read the book.

The basics fundamentals of positive emotions once again start with you. I would however like to point out that it is a practice, something you will need to work on every day. Knowing the stuff I have shared and using any part of it will not help rainbows shoot out of your ass.  Although it may increase the chances. The fastest way to a positive outlook is to stay in the moment. Don’t worry about the past cause you cannot change it, don’t worry about the future it is not here yet, and just focus on right now today because you have that in the palm of your hand.

The Chris and Shane method, an overly ridiculous game that ended up changing both of our experiences at Alpine.

I have told the story before about how Shane and I would get out of or avoid doing our chores. It started to make us look a bit lazy and it started to effect the house. So we were being bitched at by the house mother and her assistant resident house mother. We decided we needed to help. This did not sit well with either of us. The “real” house mother made a suggestion that we try to make the best of it, and frankly we set out to punish her for the suggestion, so as we did our chores we started making all these ridiculously over the top statements about how great it was, how much we loved doing chores, and how we appreciated the chance to service. We went on and on and on.  So when we were done and finally had a little time we discussed what happened. See while we were pissed off and angry when we started we were laughing and having a great time, along with most of the other residence by the time it was over. This was pretty wild to experience and we started a little social experiment to see how far this would go.  It actually become a fundamental part of the process for us, and we leaned on it countless times after that day. The process was really simple. Take whatever the situation you are in and make it positive, then turn it up to crazy positive.

So it is not just;

“great to be in rehab”

It is;

“unbelievable to be in this amazing rehab nestled in the armpit of beautiful Alpine Utah on such an amazing and beautiful day”

Not just;

“we are happy to be helping”

But;

“we are so thrilled to be lending our abilities to the amazing people we are in this amazing rehab with, seeing how amazingly quick the work goes when we are a team, this is awesome.”

Not only;

“we are blessed to be going to a meeting”

But more like;

“This rehab van is the most amazing vehicle, it holds all of us safely and play the best most moving music, we are close to our friends with a super capable driver, headed to the best meeting in the area for the place and the time, I cannot wait to get there and listen and share and this is just so unbelievably fantastic.”

Hopefully you get the idea, anyway we took what we had seen and learned and felt and broke it down in Buddah’s Brain. See it turns out when you verbalize your positive emotions your brain actually jumps on board along with your confused ego and starts making everything you are going on about as true as possible. This is really the most overtly easy thing you could ever do, and in all the times we have done it we have not seen it fail. The key is to never let the sarcasm come in, you have to fight your hardest to be as sincere as possible. Yes sometimes it will be a fight, like riding around in a freaking rehab van, but you can do this, and doing it in your head is not enough. Your brain has to form the words so your ego and the egos around you can marry up to them.

Being positive is worth it, look at all the benefits I have listed and all the ways it can help, negativity is the byproduct of fear and stress, if you cannot get past it then you need to work on it.  See your way to let this be the shifting point in your recovery. Yeah this shit is hard, who cares, because you can do hard things.