Category: Saturday Discussions in Rehab

Defined

Anxiety;

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

As we understand the definition it is important we also understand a more sinister version of this monster.

General Anxiety Disorder;

a psychological disorder characterized by excessive or disproportionate anxiety about several aspects of life, such as work, social relationships, or financial matters.

(This is typically classified by councilor or therapist as worrying on a daily basis for an extended period of time)

Another good way to see what General Anxiety Disorder looks and feels like is right in front of you. This was one of the diagnoses I received while at Alpine. So this material is both important for me, but also very personal to me.

I think it is important as we begin to understand Anxiety, that we discuss the difference between these two definitions. To do that we need to acknowledge that anxiety will always be a part of our lives. That we encounter true areas of anxiety or worry that we sometimes simply cannot avoid. The issue is, and the important detail to remember is that we react the same in both circumstances. That can be a huge issue. This is why recognizing and working to cope with anxiety is so vital to our recovery. No addict functions well at a 1 or a 10, we have a far better chance of sustaining long term recovery if we stay in that 3 to 6 range.

Directly from the book Buddah’s Brain

We learn first and foremost that our very existence will involve some pain and suffering. This fact is an unavoidable part of the human condition. We consider these unavoidable situations “first darts”. If that is all there was we would most likely be okay, however the second darts are the reactions to these first darts, and they are unusually imaginary and self-created. In this key understanding is the formula to unlocking the mystery of anxiety.

“Second Darts”

Let’s work a more basic understanding of this principle. We are walking through a dark room and we stub our toe on a chair. The pain is a first dart, this is the inevitable part. Now the second dart is our reaction to it, we become angry at whomever moved the chair, or even cursing at ourselves for leaving the chair. The second darts then create a viscous cycle of second darts, perhaps we lash out at someone, or ourselves. We then face reaction to the lashing out and thus the cycle of second darts grows.

Hopefully this is a somewhat clear version of how an unavoidable first dart can start a cycle of second darts that we actually create.

Let’s look at how that contributes or even creates a world filled with anxiety. Because we know now that some first darts are unavoidable, that means some fear and worry is normal. However often times we are not sitting in a cycle of fear and worry over first darts, that system, our system for safety runs in the background of our brain. It is the reactionary portion of our brain that causes us pain and the fear and the worry. These emotional responses are typically remnants from the cycle of second darts we have either created or perceived.

Now as I came to understand this it caused me to feel extremely uncomfortable, I began to realize that a large majority of the choices I made and situations I faced were being created or (controlled) by my anxious behavior. The truth is I was living in a much distorted “uncontrolled” reality. As I started to unravel the web of this false reality I at times felt untethered and tremendously fearful. However as I have come to understand this principle on the deepest levels I can understand it, I have found joy, peace, harmony, and my days are full of these types of emotions. I do not walk with fear, anxiety, and future worry. So my hope in this message is to shed light on the idea that you can move out of this constant state of fear, these moments of brain hi-jacking anxiousness.

Okay lets use a silly but easy to understand example of anxiety, and then lets lay that over the thousand or so areas we choose to let anxiety screw up our daily life.

“I endure a first dart, I stub my toe on a chair, hard! It hurts!, Now a Chris Alder style flood of second darts ensues, I lash out at my son for leaving the chair, I bitch about it for an hour, I forget why I was even headed out into the living room in the first place, I get pissed off, I go to bed angry and likely wake up angry………” Sounds about right.

            Enter the Anxiety

Now the following day I stress and worry that later that night I might stub my toe again, I obsess about why it happened, I pre-think my routes through the dark room to help me avoid it, really I could go on and on about all the different things I could think about it, by the time I get home and the idea strikes me to go into the living room, I am paralyzed with fear, I am in quite suffering over the idea, as my daughter comes to my room with a problem I can barely focus on her, I am miserable, my head is consumed with the things that might happen if I stub my toe again.

Let’s take one more really anxiety plunge in this already ridiculous analogy.

Okay so let’s say after I stubbed my toe a conflict arose between me and my son the night before and then that is what I spend my day stressed about and trying to avoid and being fearful of.

Yes I could actually spend the day in anxiety over an already self-created reaction to a situation that already had its own built in reaction. I stubbed my toe and it freaking hurt! THAT WAS THE ONLY REALITY. THE REST I CREATED! YES ME I DID THE REST now I have spent time the next day worrying about a second dart outcome that is only perpetually creating more second darts…..NONE OF IT IS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay if all this makes sense and even feels somewhat familiar then let’s talk specifically about coping with and managing anxiety.

We must first acknowledge and understand that we have anxiety, and what are the causes of the anxiety. Some of our best ways to manage anxiety is eliminating negative situations in our life, so congrats, by being here right now you are demonstrating a willingness to remove some of the negative aspects of your life.

As I came to understand my recovery and learned to manage my anxiety there were several practices I was introduced to. I have taken into my own life several of those practices. The list below works for me. I encourage you to use these as ideas as thought starters, you are not just getting clean and sober, you need to know how to put your feet back on the ground and how to start enjoying your life!

• Take time out. This for me is to take time out from everything, I meditate for 30 minutes every day, no phone, no interruptions. I am hooked into this process and my days are noticeably different when I miss it. Everyone has 30 minutes, but if you for some reason do not, then do it for 20, 15, 10 but find a way to unplug and calm your mind every day.
• Avoid energy drinks and high end caffeine intake. This I realize is a tough one, but it is a drug and if you use it, something is out of balance, I still drink diet coke, and I still use a 5 hour energy about twice a month, but for me the mental price for the energy drinks and stimulants is far to high for me to use daily.
• Get enough sleep. No one has a secret to sleeping less. Sleep deprivation is a huge health concern and when you are sleep deprived your brain is in survival mode. If you want less anxiety then your brain cannot be in survival mode another word for survival mode is high anxiety. You should be developing a pretty disciplined sleep practice here, bed by 10 and up at 6. Find ways to make 8 hours a goal that you hit more often than not and I can promise you less anxiety.
• Daily exercise. Oh you can tell by looking at me I am a model of health and fitness. Actually I walk 3 miles every day, I started at like 100 yards, this has taken me every day of the last 3 years to get it, but on the rare day or days that I miss, I note a huge difference in my abilities to both stay connected and in the moment when I don’t work out.
• Find a calming moment. This is very effective when you have an actual first dart and then are trying to avoid the second dart. Stop yourself and breath, just deep breaths for the count of ten, this actually has physical benefits, and you will find less second darts in this practice.
• Just do your best. The idea that it has to be 100% all of the time is a total bullshit story you tell yourself or you have grown up telling yourself, NOTHING is always 100% life does not work like that. Let that soak in because it is reality. Finding ways to just do your best and realize sometimes that is it! Let the perfection stuff live somewhere else!
• Accept that you cannot control it. I really learned this principle over some pretty hard experience and I still learn on this one almost every day, if I get stuck in traffic there is really not shit I can do about it, but I can control my reaction to it. So forget what you cannot control and focus on what you can….. hmmmm heard that somewhere before.
• Be funny, and laugh at shit. Look sometimes life is a big joke, addiction sometimes feels like a big joke, trying and failing is a joke, succeeding is a joke, just look around, life is a funny s.o.b. If you cannot take time to just drop your hands to your sides and laugh once in a while then your life is without frosting, laughter is the icing on the cake. I love the frosting (best part)
• Chew your food. Just slow everything down a second and enjoy the moments that make up the day. This has been my most rewarding practice in recovery. There is so much right in front of me I was missing. I am so grateful for the slow moments of every day.
• Stay positive. Perpetually permeate positivity. This is sometimes a step mixed in with a bunch of these coping skills, but if you do it you will feel better I guarantee it.
• Get into service. Some of our anxiety is the brains bad way of coping with boredom, this is vital that we serve and find a purpose in recovery, it has saved me countless times.
• Learn your triggers. Learn what gives anxiety? Is it work, family, school, or all the above. This can be easily figured out by journaling for a few weeks and then looking for patterns.
• Reaching out. This is my one of my staple go to coping skills, it requires effort and vulnerability to do it, but sharing with a friend or family when things are hard, lightens the load, gives me perspective, and keeps me clean & sober. I am careful who I reach out to, I try to avoid reaching out to someone that is only going to add to my stress or struggle. Good empathetic listeners are very important in recovery, and in life. Make sure you identify these individuals. Then do the next right thing. Call them!!! By the way the previous several sentences were talking about a SPONSOR!

One of the most valuable things I realized in rehab was that I am not alone, likewise you are not alone. This disease has disconnected or improperly connected you to yourself and others. Use this message and find ways to move forward everyday in this area. Most important two pieces of advice I teach my kids and live by myself are these.

Number 1. Worrying is not an action word. Do not let your brain fool you, worrying about something no matter how hard you worried never changed shit. The outcome will be the outcome no matter how much you obsess about it, doing something is an action word. Stop worrying and start doing something.

Number 2. It is never as good as you hope, and never as bad as you thought. This was tough medicine the first time I heard it, I was mad, but the bottom line is it is 100% truth. No matter how long I worried about something it was never as bad as I thought it would be. No matter how excited I got and how much future planning I did, the event was never as good as my hopes had built it up to be. Remembering this will provide the back drops for moving out of 1s and 10s thinking. You matter!

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” 

(some random internet quote)

“Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.”

(some other random internet quote)

“Service keeps you sober”

• Cliché’

“A generous heart. Kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things that renew humanity. They are key to a happy life.”

• Buddah

Finding purpose in recovery is a key to staying sober, avoiding relapse, and general happiness. Purpose comes in many forms, almost all include service. Let’s take a minute and define service.

Defenition:

Service: an act of helpful activity; help; aid:

Service can really look different for everyone, it comes down to making sure the activity fits the very broad definition above, then just do it. No one is out there keeping score for you, this is something that will not work unless it comes from inside you. Now maybe the assignment came from someone else, just keep in mind, if you do it, but you don’t want to do it, then it is not really the right kind of service. The irony about the right kind of service is it serves us as well as others.

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

There are some real keys in the 12^th step, it requires honesty and it requires action. . What does a spiritual awakening feel like? I think we better discuss this. Here is a thought starter, once you are spiritually awake it is like a fire that burns inside you, in order to feed the fire, you must be of service to yourself and others it is the only way, as long as that fire burns in me, I am the safest I can be by feeding the fire. This then becomes my clearly defined purpose. The side effects of a Spiritual awakening are not to be ignored. Happiness, laughter, lightheartedness, giving and receiving love, caring, real happiness, real sorrow, feelings of empathy. I could go on and on. If feeding the fire is about service then finding ways to serve is critical to our recovery.

In Jail my co-host Shane had an amazing spiritual awakening, it was rooted in the realization that helping other addicts provided a higher purpose for his life. When he found this level of happiness this level of contentment it became a marker on his map. His life map of happiness. At that point anything that points his compass in the direction of that marker becomes a journey in happiness. He knows where it leads, it equals fulfillment, that hole he has tried to fill with drugs, disappears or becomes much smaller.  Your map must be full of new markers. As you set markers your recovery will get stronger and stronger. The formula is simple! Service = connection to higher power & other humans. This becomes the basis for a spiritual awakening, and maintaining a life of positive connection.

There are those who struggle and those who cannot see the light even when it shines right in there face, that is okay, there is still a solution, and even if it goes unrecognized it is still part of your spiritual awakening. Which is really to say the moment you can feel true love for yourself and share that true love with anyone without cost.

You plus me = a power greater than myself. I cannot tether my sobriety to someone else, but my connection to someone else can be that power. Once again finding purpose and fulfillment in service to another human being boom you have a marker on your map, something to keep you driving forward and staying clean. Having found this, life takes on new meaning, no longer something to be endured, it becomes a purpose filled journey.

Often times the thought of service is far harder than the actual service, this is a normal response to the idea of giving up the time and energy that is yours, however it is important to remember recovery is about you. As we recover we often talk about our selfishness as an addict, then we launch out to fix all of the relationships we have damaged, when really all we have to do is live clean and sober, the lives we have effected negatively, immediately fix themselves, our recovery is all about us, but effects every human connection we have had. We cannot talk our way out of something we behaved our way into, we must become a living breathing amends.

Now with all this said there is an un-measurable amount of benefit to our service that goes far beyond our personal addiction.  If your service alters one life for the better then you are walking an elite and spiritual path. In this day and age just caring about other human beings can be monumental.

Your addiction is about unhappiness, your recovery should be about happiness. As a user you were not always unhappy and in recovery you will not always be happy.  You will however be on the map for happiness, you will be able to set and identify markers on your map. Your spiritual mind awake your higher power will begin to manifest things in your life, put people in the right places, and move you to better and better versions of yourself. It will not always be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

Bottom line this first section, the freaking definitions of Vulnerability on the web sucked. So we are going to have to determine right here, what it is and what it means.

Here is my definition, which by the way I feel vulnerable sharing it.

Vulnerability is being your truest self despite the discomfort and fear it causes

True vulnerability is something we slip in and out of, this feeling that we are exposed to our core. That is not the vulnerability I am talking about, the vulnerability I am talking about the conscious choice we make to be teachable, to be honest, and to look at ourselves.  This gives us a unique opportunity to find a place of true growth.

Great example provided by Brene Brown on her Ted Talk “The power of Vunerability”

So I thought, you know what, I’m going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one “opportunity for growth?”

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they’ll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.

It is in our nature to look at the “scary or risky” side of every situation and spontaneously protect ourselves. This includes the lies we tell ourselves, or the lies we choose to believe about ourselves. See the message is simple. Knowing it is simple has not made it any easier for me, but it is simple.  As an addict in recovery, either a day or a year. I know more about myself than at any other time of my life. I am no junkie, I am not a bum, a bad father, I am a great employee, a good friend. However I feel vulnerable as an addict. I sometimes want to lie, or omit the fact that I am in recovery. What world does this create for me, well we could talk about that forever, but the truth is, it creates a world that I live in that I cannot be my true self. I cannot change the hard fact that I am an addict, but that sure as hell does not mean any of the things others might think of me are true.

I hope this is making sense, because for me the subject of vulnerability flashes into and out of my life in a flash, in order to maintain it, I have to be in an almost meditative state. The raging inner narcissist (my great emotional bouncer) continuously tries to battle my moments of vulnerability. It tries to bring me to a place of anger, fear, or outward sarcasm or over the top humor. These are all ways I deflect those tough emotional moments & vulnerability.

Okay enough about how it looks, paint on the idea that if you hate it, you can learn to love it, then you will open your mind to a place of true recovery. That getting to know the true you is the greatest thing that will happen in your recovery. That recognizing the bright hope that burns in your future is the greatest discovery you can make.

 

This will only happen if you can find a way to lean into the pain, and there will be pain. The moment you turn and run from it, the vulnerability ends, you must not only lean into it, but in this place of recovery you are most likely going to have to sit in it. Truly embracing it means you better take note of it, so that when you go through this in the future (here is a secret you will go through shit in the future) you can find your way back to vulnerability and learn and grow.

 

“You cannot sail into your future, when you’re anchored in the past.”

Chris Alder The Voices of Recovery

 

“Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help.”

Brene Brown

Accountable

(Defined) The obligation of an individual or organization to account for its activities, accept responsibility for them, and to disclose the results in a transparent manner.
“When something happens, consider your part in it.”

“You are only as sick as your secrets”

Early in my addiction I recall looking at the world through the lenses of a victim, always feeling like the world that was created around me was always someone else’s fault. This makes life so convenient.  I mean if I don’t cause it, why would I look to fix it, or change it? It’s not my fault.

This unhealthy thinking gets you stuck and halts or slows any progress you might make. The danger in this thinking (especially in early recovery) is that you can carry over these unhealthy thoughts, ideas, and misgivings. Then as you try to move forward in your recovery these ideas become dangerous tripping points that can either stop or destroy your progress and cement you into a place where you get stuck.

Keep in mind that understanding, and looking at this in your own life, will lead to better understanding and more compassion for others.

• We cannot get well unless we own our behaviors and our actions. Once we’re in recovery, we must own our choices and our outcomes.
• Critical to our process is knowing and understanding how to clean up our side of the street.
• Misplaced or even defective loyalty to the “old code” become critical to the process.
• As you grow in your recovery and take personal accountability, holding others accountable is vital.

These practices will help you as you look at “your” story. The story process is vital because let me tell you right now, the only way out of this mess, is to walk backwards through your story. As you do this and come to understand any of your own accountability you will also gain understanding on how to give other parties their own accountability. This becomes key to the recovery process as you know, you need to clean up your side of the street, and you cannot clean up the other side.

For me accountability came with a measure of self-discovery, it was vital to my recovery because in the process I found the areas where perhaps I was carrying shame or guilt, when you have not been accountable then the Shame and guilt just become your constant companion and as many of you know, carrying this bag of crap gets heavy, it makes you sad, it makes you want to run, numb yourself and of course use.

Here in lies the rub, you may very well get all the tools you need to overcome your DOC while you are in Rehab or early recovery. If you do not address your very real issues, then a year or two from now when you think you are just a great recovering badass, boom the wheels will come off and you will find yourself staring into a dark place. With that word of caution issued, this accountability practice will become a lifelong endeavor.  As much as I love the idea that you are getting clean, and finding your way to learning a sober lifestyle. I am also married to the idea that you deserve to be happy, joyous, and live a life of fulfillment. That comes from understanding that learning the keys to these and the other principles you are taught teach will become the foundation for living in a state of Joy.

So no magic potions get handed out here, this all takes work. I have to constantly remind myself that being accountable is not a default setting, leaning into the uncomfortable emotions that come with it are hard. So it will take practice, it will take effort, so go easy on yourself. You will get better and better at these skills.

Taking accountability for your actions in early recovery will help you start and continue your process in complete honesty and integrity. This will give you the foundation to “weather the storm” believe me when I say there will be storms.  Rehab is a perfect example of the social settings that exist in families and groups of friends, it will be easy to find yourself in the middle of quarrels with roommates, house mates, mentors, and counselors. This is good, even great! Embrace the suck! With these quarrels you can hopefully find your way to your part in them. Here is a news flash for everyone, where ever you are, you put yourself there, no one person stand entitled to more than the rest, if you feel like you are, then you need to take a long look at accountability. That is if you are walking a road to recovery and wholehearted living. Plain and simple Life is hard, it is full or hard choices, sacrifices, and challenges. Having our feet grounded in true accountability will make us better to ourselves, as a result we will be better to others.

Accountability separates the wishers in life from the action-takers that care enough about their future to account for their daily actions.     

John Di Lemme

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.     

Denis Waitley

So often, our forward movement comes to a screeching halt because we simply don’t keep our word to ourselves. We make promises (“Tomorrow I’ll get up early and go to the gym”), and then break them (“Awww, it’s raining, I think I’ll stay in bed. I’ll go to the gym on my way home”) – often for reasons we don’t even understand. Which brings me to what might be an uncomfortable question: How good are you to your word?

With this very simple analogy in mind, where are we in our recovery? If we are not doing what we say we are doing on even the most minor details in life.

“Every time we speak, we create a road of some sort. The quality of that road, and how far it goes, will be directly related to the integrity of our word.”

The roads begin with us, it matters most and first that we are honest with ourselves, that we do and say what we are going to do. The truth is your recovery starts and ends on this principle. If while you go through this process you can re-instill in yourself the trust that you have lost, then nurture it back into full blown integrity, then you are armed against all sorts of negative behavior that has corrupted you in the past.

Integrity becomes completely interlaced with all levels of our personal success.

Big or small lies effect every aspect of integrity, none more harmful to the recovering addict than that of our personal boundaries

“The dictionary describes the word “lie” in the following way:

v 1. to say something that is not true in a conscious effort to deceive somebody, 2. to give a false impression; n 1. a false statement made deliberately, 2. a false impression created deliberately.

In all four of these descriptions, one thing stands out clearly: that lying is something we do deliberately – that our purpose for lying is to intentionally deceive. Obviously, this type of activity seems at odds with being “nice.” How is it that we can consider ourselves good people and include lying? We may think our lying is for a good reason: to keep from hurting someone’s feelings, to smooth over conflict or to make someone happy. After all, what does it hurt to tell a little white lie every once in a while?

“What lying does, as a rule, is to create multiple realities. When you lie, reality splits – it “dis-integrates.” You now have one reality that you know and live in, knowing the “truth” about a particular issue, and the reality that the people to whom you’ve lied live in, which is designed around somewhat or totally different information. The people to whom you have lied make decisions and choices based on the reality they inhabit, but it’s a different reality than the one you inhabit, so that split will now influence your relationship and your common future.”

Cat Thompson – Walking your path, the path of personal integrity

Overcoming your addictive behavior will be a lifetime struggle, fair to say everyone, addict or not, struggles on one level or another with integrity. It is how we approach this value that actually defines, to ourselves, who we really are. This is a key to moving forward from the unmanageable life you have created.

This requires acknowledgement that getting clean is not the only goal, that no longer searching out our D.O.C. is not the only commitment we should make to yourself. We must foster a sober mentality that speaks to how all of our future problems will be solved. It speaks to stepping up into the messes we sometimes find ourselves in, and using the key principles of integrity to get through them. The really easy way to look at this is on a deserted island…. Okay so as an addict you find yourself stuck for months on a deserted island, no communication and no chance of drinking or getting high, well congrats, you are clean, but what do you think might happen the day you get back to the mainland… of course without thought many of us in our addiction would be high or drunk before nightfall. The reality is sobriety and the decision to get sober comes before the using ended. This brings us to the bottom of a very long staircase called recovery. Hopefully by thought and deed you have a commitment to integrity and sobriety in your program. The ice we will tread staying clean can be very thin. We need to utilize this message and others to provide the tools to stay sober.

Moving to make personal integrity and sobriety a number one goal and focus in our lives, moves us to create an environment of better discipline, wiser choices, better health, and fewer conflicts. As I review my own personal life, then and now, it is astonishing to me how much time was spent outside of anything real, as I continued to lie to myself, my realities changed. I am now more acutely aware of the things I say and do, first and foremost to myself, my children, family, friends, and of course at work. I am careful when stepping through the mine field of being a word class bullshitter. If I tell my kids, my friend, or family something is going to happen, then it happens. Not just for me, but for them, and who deserves it more?

Believe me when I say you build this wall back brick by tedious brick, so many will question so much about what you say and do as you start to recover, and why shouldn’t they? This is about patience and knowing for yourself that you are, who you say you are, making clear choices and moving forward through recovery is not about staying clean, it is about staying sober, and this is really all that you can control. Now that feels and sounds like serenity.

“Do the right thing, at the right time, no matter how you feel about doing it.”

“I choose…to live by choice, not by chance. To make changes, not excuses. To be motivated, not manipulated. To be useful, not used. To excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others.”

Found on internet no credit posted.