Category: Saturday Discussions in Rehab

So what does happiness look like?

Henri Bergson, the French philosopher, said,

“All the great thinkers of humanity have left happiness in the vague so that each of them could define their own terms.”

“Well, that would be fine if it was just a secondary preoccupation in life. But now, if it is something that is going to determine the quality of every instant of our life, then we better know what it is, have some clearer idea. And probably, the fact that we don’t know that is why, so often, although we seek happiness, it seems we turn our back to it. Although we want to avoid suffering, it seems we are running somewhat towards it. And that can also come from some kind of confusions.”

Matthieu Ricard,  Biochemist now Buddhist Monk

This particular topic is near and dear to me. I have in my own mind been pursuing happiness for the better part of my life, it took near death and more than 90 days at Alpine for me to realize, I had been running the wrong way nearly my entire life.

How do we define happiness? What does it feel like? Look like?

Research has shown that long-term happiness, feeling contented with life, stems from feeling and being in charge of as much of our life as possible. It’s not about smiling all the time nor does it stem from money or health, but a self-belief you are on the road you want to be on.

The problem many of us face however is that we live out of sync with what matters most to us and we find ourselves doing a lot more things we don’t like, meaning the things that contribute most to our happiness slip-off our agenda.

One of the most common reasons people seek life coaching is because they have an overall sense of unhappiness and lack of fulfilment. By helping increase self-awareness, coaching brings an understanding of where you are in your life and how you get to where you want to be.

The real trouble is addicts tend to not only move the wrong way from happiness, we tend to race away from it, caught in a spiral that leads to more and more unhappiness.  If we take happiness to mean that our life lines up with our goals, and we understand at the true depth of what we are, is spiritual beings having a human experience, than any time our life does not fall in line with the greatness of our spirit we feel a deep sense of unhappiness, this grows into a lack of fulfillment, pain, suffering, and for addicts that summarizes the reasons we used and escaped. It does not mean everyone fits this perfectly, it means if it sticks you need to look at it.

Let’s look at a few basic, guidelines. Evaluate the truth in these things in each of our lives.

  • Being spontaneous & playful (Laura this is where you come in)
  • Making a difference in others’ lives
  • Making an effort to be grateful, joyful, and happier. No one can do this for you!
  • Be kind to YOURSELF
  • Be kind to others

With these guidelines in place ask the real questions, this won’t happen overnight!

  • What is meaningful to you
  • What brings you a deep sense of satisfaction, thus bringing you happiness?
  • Little things bring joy, reignite old passion, painting, writing, drawing, sports, hunting, fishing, hiking, spending quality time with family and friends.

Family and friends is a huge one for me, I was all about isolation, and truly had lost touch with all of my brothers, my sister, certainly my friends and my kids all were on the outside when I was using. Finding new “real” friends and being a father to my kids are my single greatest joys in life. Even when things are hard, I can find gratitude in the fact that my children now trust me enough to share a trouble, or ask advice, or just call to say hi.

(Insert huge emotional moment when writing this)

  • Finally if you have found or have real reasons these things won’t work, let’s take our tried and true steps.

Step 12

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This leads us right into service, finding ways to share what we have with others is a clear and easy way to start a journey to happiness.  These things contribute to the sense of meaning our lives need and our happiness craves. We find chances and opportunities to grow and believe me when I say, the God of your understanding will find a way to put people in front of you.

Overcoming Anger

Defined:

Anger:
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility

Anger beyond a shadow of a doubt can be one of the most confusing emotions to cope with in recovery, no one emotion can derail your progress faster, back you into a corner quicker, and literally highjack your efforts to stay in the moment. This threatens all your feelings of health and well-being, which in the past we have clearly tried to self-medicate these feelings.

So vital to realize that often our anger, although directed at someone else almost always effects only us.

The physical symptoms of anger can be similar to the symptoms of poisoning. The heart may beat faster, accompanied by chest pains, stomach pains, dizziness, and sweating. This observation should help us realize that we are poisoning ourselves while the objects of their anger have no symptoms at all.

The emotional symptoms can be far reaching and troubling, but again and even more definitively we are only hurting ourselves. These are vital reasons to not only acknowledge our anger, but address it and work to resolve it.

Now with all this said, I am exploring this idea with all of you today, because I am a true expert at getting angry, as a matter of fact some of my best moments at Alpine were in fits of unjustified “anger” so with that fact clearly stated I will begin exploring the ways we can bring serenity back to our troubled waters.

  • Let’s start with the most basic of basics the good old count to ten. Now there is a reason this has been tried and true for years. It works, this gives the brain something else to focus on, it lets the heart beat slow down and the head to engage in the process of reasoning. These are things that are severely lacking in most angry situations. For me a good ten count practice has been to quietly say the serenity prayer.
  • Another great tactic especially for what I call sustained angry environment, is to actually use relaxation techniques, breathing, listening to calming music, taking some me time in the sauna or a hot bath, or even a good hard work out will help expel those emotions and provide some calming.
  • Distraction, this means getting away from or out of the situation and literally forcing yourself to focus elsewhere, call a friend and talk about fishing, watch Seinfeld, grab a good book, draw, these are all broad suggestions to distraction, but they work.
  • Finally and the most effective, is doing something incompatible with anger, pray and thank God for things one by one. Kiss your spouse, companion, or child. Pet your dog or cat. These again are broad ideas, but hopefully it makes sense, the bottom line is gratitude and anger cannot co-exist.

These are such vital steps to move forward in recovery, we come to realize that anger that often hits us like a 10 is really only a 1 or a 2, this will get better with practice, and patience. The thing to consider with anger is we almost always project it, this means someone else is most likely going to pay for it.  When we make others feel like shit because we feel like shit, then comes guilt and the need for amends. When the reality is, a little patience and a little different look at the situation and maybe the anger had no place between you and whomever became the target.

For me personally insecurity and vulnerability have been the source of hostility and anger, not feeling up to a challenge makes me feel cornered and with little or no pushing at all I am lashing out with deep sarcasm (a sure sign I am angry) or I am just being at outright loud bully. Often times these outburst have led to a place of deep sorrow as I have made lasting impressions on someone with my bear like behavior, and I dare say for the last year of my marriage my ex-wife must have felt more like a verbal punching bag than a wife. These things are painful and long last and they become the building blocks for deep self-loathing and sadness.

I am not sure any one emotion can be as inward and outwardly destructive, we have only scratched the surface but I think something needs to be said here about carrying long term anger or hostility towards anyone or anything. All of the information on remapping the brain that I have read and understand hinges upon the principle of letting go, changing, and moving forward. This is why releasing this hostility providing forgiveness and moving forward are critical steps in recovery, there is no such thing as the one thing you can hold onto, it must be worked through, talked out, moved on from. This is the means by which our mind and in this case our heart heals. Instead of walking around with this ball of shit hidden waiting to attack our mind and our heart at “any moment” a scar can form and our life can progress. Otherwise and I know from experience, it will come back, again and again until you find a way to muscle through it. I do realize that typing some quick words cannot change the suffering that some have endured, but by carrying the grief, the pain, the anger, you in turn allow the suffering to go on and on. Now is the time to work through the mess.

In the meantime exercise forgiving yourself, finding great patience in the process. I can promise you it will take time, and you should look into each opportunity for growth. It will get better, easier, and it is so worth it.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

OVERCOMING PROCRASTINATION Saturday July 1st Presentation

We don’t even need to go to the World Wide Web for this definitions. This is one of those recovery discussions that everyone reading it knows exactly what this is. Some may be much better than others, but everyone procrastinates. The real easy definition is putting off until later something you should be doing right now.

Identify

So with respect to procrastination the very first thing that you need to do to begin the process of overcoming it, is identify that you are doing it.  Sometimes it is beyond easy to see yourself doing this, other times you are covertly doing this to yourself. Great example of both for me.

  • Obvious;

I wake up ready to go to the gym, however somehow in the first 10 minutes of the morning I talk myself into just going later that night. Without any real reason to do so.

  • Covert;

I have 63 warranty claims that need to be processed, but I find fifty other things to occupy my time, then I can just tell myself I have been too busy to be caught up on warranty.

These are very simple examples, but you can begin to see that we are not always making a completely honest choice to procrastinate, at times we are letting circumstances or habits dictate how we establish our priorities. With that said there may be times where putting off a task or duty is acceptable it may just be a matter of placing a lower priority on the task, this is not procrastination.  Ignoring, deflecting, or just flat not doing high priority task leads to a deeper levels of procrastination and obviously as addicts, procrastination can lead to a fatal outcome on countless levels.  So we must first set proper priorities and we must recognize that we are procrastinating.

Ask yourself am I procrastinating or prioritizing?

Next we need to determine what about the item is causing us to put it off, the obvious answer would be perceived pain or difficulty.  However careful evaluation could lead us to find out the procrastination is like a ghost of previous pain, or a simple habit.

  • Perceived pain easy example to discuss, you need to get your driver’s license renewed, you put this off for weeks because you perceive a long wait at the DMV and just cannot face it.
  • Previous pain or habit, you let mail go weeks without opening it because at one point in your life everything was from a bill collector or an attorney (personal experience). Despite not having this problem for years, I still get nervous and tense going to the mail box, so I simple don’t go I PROCRASTINATE!

Important to establish is it you or is it something about the task or item.

Will it hurt, is it hard, am I capable, have I failed before, it is scary, I don’t want to know, I already know, is it boring, will it matter

.  Finally a key and contributor, is under developed, or addict brain, this can lead to improper decision making. This leads to under or over estimating the task and or its priority. You need to carefully consider where your brain is, what stage of recovery are you in? Reach out, ask a sober support friend or sponsor.

Time to formulate a strategy

Overcoming procrastination will take time and effort, because it becomes a habit, it will not happen overnight. The strategies you develop will assist you in identifying, asking, and then overcoming the need to procrastinate. Here are some of my strategies, now take them with a grain of salt because I am still working hard on procrastination myself.

  • Make it fun or reward yourself, this is simply making daunting tasks into a game, I like doing this with my kids when it comes time to clean up. It immediately becomes a fun contest, I also hate and I mean hate grocery shopping, so I make my kids go, then we all wager on the final bill. It is just a simple little things that makes it less hard to do.
  • Reach out, share your struggle with a peer or support, let them help you talk through it and this can add to a measure of accountability.
  • Be honest about the upside and the downside, remember it is never as bad as your thought, and never as good as you hoped. So walk through the rear reward or consequence of performing the task.
  • Determine if you need help or not, this is always tough, a lot of times we just put off tasks we either don’t fully understand or we cannot do ourselves. Hmmmmm let me think if I have an example here. Oh yes I do…..MY RECOVERY! I PUT OFF MY RECOVERY! This is a prime example of this procrastination.
  •  Commit to move forward, this simply means make progress. Yes of course somethings represent huge challenges, like recovery, moves, career changes, relationships, and the like. This means that we should adopt the proactive “move forward” approach. Set small goals related to the area of focus. Acknowledge that maybe you can’t or it should be done all at once instead Focus on eating the elephant one bite at a time. This formula not only helps overcome procrastination, it gives you a pile measure of success on a daily basis.
  •  Put it in writing, review the things you have to do, put them in writing and then evaluate the items. Do they have proper priority? This is a good opportunity to see if you are procrastinating, or just prioritizing. It will also create an environment of thought where you can practice, review, and evaluate both your priorities and your thought process. Remember this stuff matters because chances are your addiction has effected your brain, and as you heal so will your brain. This means today’s priority might be tomorrows “I don’t give shit”. Writing it down will really help you monitor this.

We have established that in order to overcome procrastination you really need to identify that you are doing it. For me this has been about knowing I do it and the practice of not doing it.  Having been diagnosed at Alpine with Generalized Anxiety disorder I took this very seriously. With that said one thing I noticed was that I procrastinated everything, I would let situations move to critical stages in order to determine the priority. Now in my addiction this made perfect sense to me, because I didn’t have any money, I never wanted to talk to anyone, and I just numbed out all these emotions and stress. Well that is not real life. Life requires attention to little details like the IRS in order to move forward, then we have bills, families, deadlines, personal health, etc. With all that said I simply pay close attention to my habits now, I pay my bills when they come, I go to the mailbox twice a week, I open all mail immediately, and then I handle my shit. Now I have said I am still guilty of procrastinating, so when I catch myself doing it, this usually starts with stuff I am putting off popping into my head and starting a little anxiety, the moment, and I mean the moment I recognize this I act. I simply refuse to let any of these thoughts follow me around and hi-jack me.

One more important idea!

Okay do not over think it, this has also been a productive method for overcoming my bad procrastinating habits. I mentioned the gym earlier, it has been a source of huge lessons in this process. I enrolled in May of last year in a fitness program by doing this I committed to a gym membership and to go at least three times a week. Thus the landscape was set for Chris as his worst procrastinating self.  I immediately started thinking about when I should go, what days, how long etc. I noticed after several months it was not getting any easier. I sought help in the form of audio books. I listened to Shaun Achor’s book called the “Happiness Advantage”, in it he talks about his struggles with the gym and how he solved them, so i simply used his formula. I eliminated every excuse. I started wearing my gym close to work, under my work clothes, then because I leave at rush hour I decided to use that time for the gym so I found a location that was on my way home. Then that is where I spent that previously wasted time. Then instead of 3 times a week I decided to go every day. This eliminated three major excuses; Clothes, time, and when to go. Then I just went, I didn’t think about it before I went, I didn’t map out my day around it, I just let it be part of my routine. This was 5 months ago, since that time with very limited exceptions I have been to the gym every day.

This is a process that will require thought and commitment on your part. Just remember! It is never as good as you hope, and never as bad as you thought. JUST DO IT!

“The great irony and lesson in procrastination, is that by avoiding unpleasant things in order to not feel bad, it almost always makes us feel worse.”

Grit inspired by Angela Duckworth’s amazing book

Before you read this post I want to give proper credit. Angela Duckworth along with countless other great authors, moved me to write this lesson for my friends in Treatment. Her book “Grit” is a must read for any recovering addict.

The definition of Grit: Courage and resolve; strength of character.

In Finland the word is defined as Sisu I believe that the most important key for addicts and grit, is the ”character” reference. I would argue that as an addict we have already proven we have Grit, it has simply been poorly defined. We have already demonstrated courage by being here, resolve by not dying, now we need to focus on character.  Lets look at the basic ideas behind grit, sisu. True strength of character, because you are going to need it to stay clean and sober. Here is how Grit Psychologist and author Angela Duckworth describes grit…..

“Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

Angela Duckworth’s –Ted Talk- 

Take that last quote and rework it, substitute the word recovery for the word Grit.

  • Recovery is passion and perseverance for very long term goals.
  • Recovery is having stamina.
  • Recovery is sticking with your future, day in and day out. Not just for the week but for the month, the year, for years.
  • Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

I maintain before your “grit” can form, before perseverance, and passion can have a chance. A choice must be made. The decision in my opinion is not mingled with the gray area soft talk that sometimes accompanies recovery and 12 step. It is a driven desire and a choice to stay clean, to walk away from the life drugs has created and start a new one, to not try and modify the things of the past, to not try and make your old life fit into the new one, but to actually decide you are moving on and staying clean, not for a day or days, not for a week, but for good. I realize that the phrase “relapse is part of recovery” gets said a lot, but I offer a school of thought that relapse is not required to recover. If you fall or “relapse” grit says you get back up and start fighting again. Recovery is about having grit, grit by the very word implies work, effort in the face of resistance. There will be resistance, you need grit to get through it.  Make a Decision!

One of my favorite words I learned in Rehab was Sisu, I first heard this word from a very mild mannered soft spoken councilor. She is a shining example of Sisu. See Grit does not have to take away your compassion, your soft spoken nature, your ability to care or Love. Grit or Sisu runs through you, it is not one thing, it is hundreds of little things, I think it is a perfect way to wrap the lessons we have been given into one defining package. Grit is recovery, it is Courage and resolve, it is strength of character.

The greatest discovery I have made as a middle aged addict in long term recovery is the capacity of the human mind, body, and spirit to grow and overcome. There is so much out there to learn, to create an amazing outlook, and to build a life of thriving fulfillment. I am completely resigned to the idea that staying clean, continuing in long term recovery came down to the choice I made in the second day of withdrawal, that no matter what happened in my life I would never go through that hell again.  Not to mention the fact that as an adult I am firmly in love with my right to make my own choices, and when I was in rehab I realized drugs had robbed me of all of my personal choices, I was in fact a prisoner, a slave to the addiction. I flat refuse to be the author of my own destruction!

“Anyone can be tough for a season. It takes a special kind of human to rise to life’s challenges for a lifetime.”
― Chris Matakas

“As a pearl is formed and its layers grow, a rich iridescence begins to glow. The oyster has taken what was at first an irritation and intrusion and uses it to enrich its value. How can you coat or frame the changes in your life to harvest beauty, brilliance, and wisdom?”
― Susan C. Young

Impulse Control from Saturday June 17th

Lack of impulse control is evidenced by such things as impulsive spending; risky sexual behavior; combative and assaultive behaviors; substance abuse; recklessness and excessive risk-taking; gambling; and binge eating. The list could go on, with creative ways to act out on impulse.

At the root, impulse control is really about self-control. Typically not an addicts’ most powerful trait, but one you must become familiar with and learn to master. I think it is important as addicts early on to get through all the many re-lapse triggers we face, but it is equally important to the quality of our lives going forward.

Let’s cover some tips and ideas on how to increase our impulse control and discuss some areas that maybe we have not thought of. We will start with one that I found rather surprising.

Will Power can wear you down! In several research studies, psychologist have used test of will power to then measure and gauge individuals moral codes. The longer they were forced to use will-power the less likely they were to make good decision later. With that said, we need to look at the long term effects of the “white knuckles” on your recovery. Very simply put, if you cannot find a way to cope, to reign in the impulse, it will eventually wear you down. Moreover it will most certainly leak into every facet of your life. Potentially effecting all of your decisions and the outcomes.

I have used this knowledge to look at all the aspects of my decision making, I will argue that as animals, we will always have impulses. These are things we may want that rapidly become things we need or cannot live without. So exercising impulse control (self-control) in our small everyday decisions, becomes a vital practice.  This is where Tekulve’s patients and probably anyone in here can acknowledge being exposed to his overt way of teaching this principle. Believe me when I say, the more impulse control problems you have, and the practice he will give you. From the super bowl to the graduation date, I was forced to wait for every decision. I at first felt persecuted by this, I then came to understanding that it was intentional and that I needed to look at my own inner need for now, now, now.

“You want, what you want, when you want it”…. Well tough shit

The hard and fast reality is, life does not work like this. The sooner you lean into this pain and embrace it, the quicker you will find a true place in starting your journey to mastering impulse control.

Recovery is hard, life in general is hard, I am not writing this down to make you feel shitty, it is a fact. The mistake early recovering addicts make, is living the same way they did, just without the D.O.C. This often leads to feeling like mine, persecution, and anxiety.

Listen it takes what it takes, Let go and Let God. I came to hate these cliché statements very early in rehab, partially because I heard them 62 times a day, and the other reason was that I did not fully understand them or the profound impact they would have on my long term sobriety. Let me just say this, Black and white thinking (which is linked to impulse control) is a horrible place to live. It is way better for you and for your brain to live in the Gray!

My meaning in this, is to help you realize that there is a great deal of internal peace that can come from slowing down your decision making, and employing numerous different coping skills to help avoid emotional decisions.

This ideal is where you can find serenity, being able to take things in, asses them, and then react to them in a proper and timely manner is the key to moving forward with relationships, personal beliefs, ideas, and future self-care.

I still act impulsively often, but I work on it every day. My children often comment when they see the comparison to how I handle frustration. They see me stop, breathe, and think. That is my suggestion, when you feel yourself slipping into impulsive behavior. STOP, BREATHE, AND THINK!

Finally and so I don’t disappoint you, some learning from the World Wide Web.

If you don’t really believe you can achieve something—anything—you are triggering an internal feedback loop that tells your brain to not allocate resources. Bottom line: if you don’t believe you can do it, you won’t do it. Granted, simply believing that you can do something is absolutely no guarantee that you can; belief is a requisite condition for achievement, not an exhaustive one. If you want your brain to put energy in your resolve, you’d better believe that what you are doing is worthwhile.

This is so vital to hear, that you come to understand your recovery, every part of it, hangs in the balance of what you believe. Take this process one day at a time, reward your success with positive self-talk and acknowledgement. Recovery is a process and IT TAKES WHAT IT TAKES