“The only thing you need to change, is everything!”
Let’s talk first about the really obvious issue here….YOU NEED TO CHANGE, the reasons may not be totally clear right now, and the truth is the change is just part of life. Anyway you better start looking at how you cope with it.
Why should we change, what makes change matter?
- First and to me the most obvious is the growth. Imagine in a world with no change we would still be living in caves and eating raw meat. The need for better food and better homes created enough pain in our ancestors that they changed. That is the nature of pain, in a normal (non addictive) thought cycle the solution when something hurts is to do something about it. As addicts instead of facing our pain and changing we have medicated our pain with substance, this is a cue to all of us that this part of recovery is going to be hard. We are going to have to face and learn to cope with previously “medicated or ignored” Pain!
- As we contemplate change, new and unique ideas can come up, ways to help ourselves that maybe we never thought of before. This is important to keep in mind. We all are passionate and creative, we have all proved our passion and creative minds with the unique and inventive bullshit we have flung around in our addiction, so flip that coin over and start using that inventive, creative mind to benefit the changes you need to make in your life. Yes without the chemically enhanced allure of heroin these changes for me were harder, and I needed internal mental and spiritual motivation to make them stick.
- Keep in mind, Life without change is boring!
- Without change we would be stuck in the mess we created, that is the beauty of embracing change, it is the very thing that can save your life. Then by continuing to change we will find new paths for hope and Joy in life. You are not some special tortured soul, bottom line if you do this, your life will improve, but it is not magic, you have to do the work.
- To recover just about every facet of life needs to change, the very idea of life is change, consider all that has changed from your mother’s womb to now in your life. All the vast and amazing changes you go through. Life is change.
With all this neat little tidbits we just read, why the hell are we so stubborn, why is change so hard?
- Fear has got to be the number one reason we avoid change or don’t make our changes when we should. So many addicts I have encountered are just stuck in the mess of addiction because they are afraid of what life looks like without the DOC, they are petrified of change. From the outside it seems ridiculous to see them stuck, but we all know that fear very well. These fears should be expressed and talked about, they are often rooted in abuse, trauma, and low self-esteem. They are often exaggerated and they are rarely based in truth. They are confabulations, lies based in reality that your addiction has used to keep you sick and suffering. If you don’t think you are sick and suffering, I would start there!
- Oblivious or stubborn or stupid is another reason we don’t change. I have already encountered numerous addicts who are convinced that they need no change. That their life is fine, they cannot figure out why everyone is pushing them to change. Others simply do not see the need. This disease is a disease of the brain and the soul, for years I used and used simply convinced that nothing was wrong and unsure why everyone was always freaking out. Telling myself the story that I would change when or if I was ever ready, convinced my kids knew nothing, and my family and friends just didn’t understand. That was my story, and it was utter bullshit.
- Motivation. The other critical issue that keeps change from happening or makes it difficult is our motivation. Are we being pushed by someone or something else, now here is a little issue? If it is a judge or the law that is pushing you, then you really have no choice. However if you are in recovery because of someone’s ultimatum or to carry out someone else’s agenda, then you need to slow down and review your goals. This one will come back and bite you in the ass! The other more profound side of motivation, is pain, so as you get back to actually experiencing pain, then you will find motivation to either lean into it, or fail and start using again. Whichever way is up to you, but the pain will force one of the two things to happen. Get real and stay motivated.
- Habit. Let’s not forget that most of what we do every day is habitual. It is what we have been so we just keep doing it. This is a difficult thing to oppose because it has to do with the way our brains function. It is necessary to understand it, this means we must learn to sit with some discomfort and we go through these changes. That is so easy to type and so difficult to actually do because who the hell wants to be uncomfortable. This takes grit and determination to change, but when the new habits are established it will not feel that way.
How important is change in recovery?
- Change is going to occur whether you like it or not, embracing it will make the process far better than fighting it, at Shane’s graduation from drug court it was baffling how often I heard the same thing over and over from the other graduates, “well this process really sucked, until I embraced the change.” We have all heard the phrase “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Well it is never truer than in recovery, this will either be the most amazing thing you have ever done, or the hardest thing you ever tried. Success or failure will depend on how you view this simple principle.
- Strength in recovery is about meeting challenges and overcoming them. Coming to understand that all great things in life are earned, that this amazing, difficult, challenging, journey can become the best and most amazing chapter in your life.
- Not changing can lead to strong feelings of resentment, this is poison for an addict.
- It is never as bad as you thought and never as good as you hope. Remember this, I use it every single day in recovery and in life. Nothing is ever as good as you imagine it will be, and how many times have you thought the worst case scenario only to have it work out far better than you feared. This is not just the addict brain, this is fear based thinking that traces back to the caves. Stop yourself when you are imagining the worst and walk through this process.
Finally let’s talk about a formula for success.
- Look to truly understand the need for change, many of you face huge changes in your clean life, look at what they are and why they matter, work through the tough ones with a counselor. Remember you matter, your life matters, your future in all its amazing diversity matters.
- Make sure that you are not resisting out of habit, so many times in my recovery I have found myself all worked up and pissed off because that was my default, not because I didn’t want to change, but because it was a habit not to.
- Work on becoming one who embraces the change. Yes simply start adjusting your attitude. If a counselor says something that pisses you off or sets you on edge, than it is probably true. Pay attention to it!
- Stop focusing on the past, nostalgia and romanticizing memories will create walls you have to climb over. Leave your past in your past….. You must embrace this cold hard fact. You can’t get it back, bring it back, will it back, and it is done. You can only make a better right now in hope of a better future.
- Journaling is the one thing I wish I was better at, but I suck. Just find the time to write it down, watching yourself change in the pages of a journal will not only empower your success but it will take the harsh edge off some of those changes, it will help put power and purpose behind the efforts you make. You will see moment after moment when life seemed so dramatically bad or challenging, but here you are reading about it, wondering what the big deal was.
- Last but not least…. Just do the next right thing, don’t think about it or worry about just get up and go do it. You brain and body will follow you wherever you go, so take them to a good place and things will improve.
I have come to a place of great depth in my recovery, I have so much to learn and I love it. However I freaking hate change, I am an complete control freak and I will wall myself into a corner and rely on my mouth and my brain to justify, fix, explain, and even lie to keep myself in my little safe corner, the last few months have brought one change after another, even going through the topic was hard to look at my life and think of the things I still need to do. This is a key to recovery, embracing and moving through the hard shit will not only keep you alive, and it will add a measure of meaning and fulfillment to your life that makes every change so worth it. This has all sounded hard and it is tough sometimes to sit in this idea. It is so worth it, I would not trade one day of my recovery, every single part of my life is better because I did this, and I know if I keep doing this it will keep getting better. Take the time in recovery to look at the walls that surround you, if they are not healthy, if they are not inspiring, if they are not challenging, then embrace the suck and make the change. Keep a positive and hopeful attitude, and then get busy living. You are worth it!
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.
It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein
“Yesterday I
was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing
myself.”
― Jalaluddin
Rumi