Chris, Chris, and Nikki are in recovery from Drug and Alcohol addiction. This is where we tell the story of how we recovered . This is the home of our podcast and the Blog on recovery. Review the archives listen, enjoy, share, subscribe.
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One of the cliche things that I have heard over and over in my recovery is the saying “If you have a foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow then you are shitting on today”. Like many of the cliche things I heard in my early recovery I was always excited to be able to recite these things back to addicts, like they were pillars of my own understanding, as if I had come up with these catchy phrases all by myself. Also the case with many of these sayings I was good at saying them, and a little less well practiced at living them. With that confession made I will tell you that living in the present is a common and very specific practice of mine now, and I have benefited from it greatly. It is admittedly quite difficult and I felt like sharing some of my journey on this topic might help others better understand the benefits.
Let’s talk first about dwelling in the past and explore the sometimes harmful feeling that come along with being “stuck”.
As I came through the doors of recovery I was hit within the first few days with the guilt and shame of all of the wreckage I had caused. Centered around my children and my ex wife I saw a pathway of destruction that I did not know how I could ever forgive myself or move forward. I spent hour after hour self deprecating and beating myself up about the choices I had made. This became a month of embattled internal behavior that nearly ran me straight out of rehab and right back to the street. I was not ready to deal with these demons and worse still I did not know how to deal with them. This was a core component of my addiction and for years instead of facing this pain I continued to use and get high rather than face the hurt I had caused myself and others. In rehab I was forced to see it face to face and really this was the first true decision I had to make was to move forward or give up, I am grateful I pressed on and I hope something I write will help someone else press forward in the face of adversity. Because really life is full of these kinds of hardships, living well and joyous is not about avoiding or even running from your past, it is about turning and facing the reality, accepting that it is in the past and moving forward the best we can. So yes as you can see accepting the reality of the pain I caused was the first step. This is the best way to reconcile any part of the past is to turn and face it head on, now I will say in the event of trauma and abuse or serious loss that process will be a huge and overwhelming process that in most cases should be under the supervision or trained therapists and or counselors. So I have no license and the message is not simply “get over it”. The message is before you can ever be present with yourself, you will need to get out of the past. For me this looked like meeting all of my kids where they were at, sitting with and hearing about the pain I caused them, trying to understand and not defend. I then had to go out in my first weeks out of in patient treatment and meet with and reconcile with other family, friends, and employers. This was the same practice. I did not seek to justify, I sought to listen and to understand. This was a powerful exercise and it gave me deep empathy for those who had suffered through my addiction. This was a short paragraph, but this was not an overnight process, in a few small cases the issues are still unresolved, not because I am not ready but it is because they are not ready. I cannot control that, I have to move forward. One of the greatest sayings I live by now is this, “You cannot trip over stones you have already stepped over.” In my meditative mind I picture my life as a journey, yes we can talk about where I have been, but I cannot go back to that spot, I have moved from there to here, we must acknowledge that no thing we ever do can change what has already happened. In order to be present we must reconcile the past and live today in this moment, it is all we have.
The next component of living in the present is the need to eliminate “future tripping” this is one of my favorite pastimes and moving forward from it has taken monumental effort. The concept is easy to explain but understanding it is not the hard part. In future tripping scenarios we are allowing our brain and more specifically our imagination to run away with thoughts and notions about what might be happening in the future. Here is a great example of how future tripping will hijack your right now and leave you with nothing to show for your wasted time. I am laying in bed on a Saturday night and realize I need to address a concern with my boss on Monday morning. The issue has to do with something that could be serious and I am struggling with how to talk with him. This so far seems normal and makes sense to worry about things once in a while, however this becomes toxic thinking when I begin to run through all the possible outcomes with my boss. At first they are simple and they are not really upsetting, however as the night rolls on the scenarios get darker and the outcomes get worse. I am picturing confrontations, I am picturing scenarios where my job is in jeopardy. This goes on for most of the night, interrupting my sleep and ruining my outlook on Sunday. Sunday proceeds in much the same fashion and Sunday night is worse. My mind races from one outcome to the next, I lose sleep, it impacts all of weekend. So now Monday morning comes along and armed with my one thousand scenarios, the truth is I have no idea what the morning is going to look like. None! Zero! So I get to work and get all ready, I am early as good anxiety would dictate and at eight in the morning I am sitting in his office awaiting his arrival. I wait….. 8:15 I am still waiting, finally at 8:25 I step into the front office and ask if anyone has seen him, I am told he is out of state in meetings until Wednesday, furthermore I am told that the issue I was worried about is no longer an issue, as a matter of fact it was cleared up shortly after I left Friday and that the boss was really happy with what I had said prior to leaving it had made his weeked. I am of course excited at first, then this overwhelming sense of frustration comes over me as I realize the amount of time I spent on this weekend with an imaginary problem that ultimately needed no solution. Before I even started using my energy to “imagine” the outcome, there had already been an outcome. On countless occasions in our life we do this. I have worked so hard to stop this in the process of getting started, my mantra is simple. “It is never as good as you hope, and it is never as bad as you imagine”. Those are vital words to live by and they serve as a constant reminder to me that we have zero control of the future, we can only control how we respond to it. The other ultimate truth is we can worry and worry on the largest scale, worry never did anything to solve a problem. Our mind loves to worry because it feels like action, but that is a lie! Worrying is not an action word!
We come to the point where we can look back and look forward and hopefully we can be a little more cautious and mindful about how we engage in those thoughts. Now we can focus more clearly on the present moment, what does that feel like? For me that was a seemingly impossible question and the more I thought about being present the further from present I got. Being present when we spend so much time in the past and worrying about the future is going to be so hard and uncomfortable at first. It is just hard. The strongest idea I can give you is to find your place in the world of meditation. It doesn’t really matter how you do it, just find a program and do it. Youtube and other media is loaded with free meditation. I use an app on my phone called headspace. The point of meditation is designed to help you see what the present looks like from your own perspective. The next strongest exercise I do has to do with the five senses. What is close that I can see, what is close that I can touch, what is close that I can smell, what is close that I can hear, and finally what can I taste. This seems like a funny practice, but the truth is we will be quicker to dismiss it than try it, and it is very simple. As you start doing this you will find a sense of calm coming over you and a sense of presence entering your mind and body. This is great to expand on the practice during meals, during conversations with others, and just driving in the car. When I eat I try to take a deep breath in and out before each bite, this helps me actually taste and enjoy my food. I found myself at lunch during work, worrying about phone calls and upcoming appointments and I would get back to my desk and be like… wait…. Did I even eat? So I purposely slow down. This works when I drive in a similar fashion. Previously when I would drive my car I would get all in my head about where I was going and what was next, this led to bad emotional states when traffic got bad, or things unexpectedly delayed me. Life is going to happen no matter what, may as well enjoy it. This is easy for me to say now after several years of practice, so just lean into the idea that it is going to feel different and a little challenging at first, but it is so amazing what happens when this clicks. Bottom line is, slow down, live in this present moment, because if you are not where you are, then you are nowhere. Be present and live each moment, they are the only ones you have.
Chris Alder
The Voices of Recovery
Seems like a simple enough thing to say.
Because addiction is a disease of the spirit, a disease of connection. I spend most of my time in recovery trying to arm you against the pitfalls I have both experienced and seen in my recovery. That does not mean it will happen, it is a reminder that it can happen, you should be ready.
I am passionate about my compassion for addicts and the disease of addiction.
I have seen and know personally the pain in both the addiction and the aftermath. I shared personal stories about watching my best friend relapse and the stories of my kids watching me spiral in my addiction. These are the reasons for the message. If you can come now to a place of hope, instead of destruction and fear. I feel strongly that you should want to stay in that place. So considering all the trouble you have gone to put on your pants on and show up to rehab, let’s make the best of it.
The key to this is to recognize right here right now that no one is going to do this for you. You will find plenty of help and support if you look in the right places, but no one can do it for you. I have seen so many and know many more that get stuck in the hard work of recovery. They spin there wheels and then slowly but surely they slip, then they beat themselves with drugs and alcohol, then they realize they are done, then they start this process all over. Or they die, or they end up killing someone else. This is the cycle. So it matters because you matter, and I matter. How we do this makes a difference.
I spend a lot of time with recovering addicts, I see and hear stories on a weekly basis of the struggle and the victories that follow us on this sometimes scary journey. I have looked at and tried to model my recovery after others who have seen great success. I hope everyone in recovery finds those people in recovery, of course this can be a therapist, a coach, a family member, or even a friend in long term recovery. The key is simpler than all the words I have put down. If you want what they have, then do what they do.
I cannot share this message in any other way than the way I learned it so now 6 paragraphs later let’s talk about the process of me, owning my recovery.
I am a grown ass man who had let his entire life go to shit at the hands of heroin and cocaine, I added alcohol and sex for good measure but I was finding my way to the serious depths of one shitty existence when I came to door of recovery. Broken and broke, physically only a stone’s throw from death and an attitude of pure self-hatred. I was without a doubt a living breathing step 1.
With that in mind I had no idea what to expect when I got into recovery and well it only took me one surrendered phone and a strip search to realize I hated it. So as soon as I was able to put together a thought I set some early recovery goals. These were then, and they are now my recovery goals. Use them to make your own goals, or at least think about goals.
No one thing I did personally changed me more than reading the book Buddha’s Brain. This was not my cup of tea, and really my roommate and I read it together thinking it would help us sleep. What it really did was open our eyes to the benefits of mindfulness, bottom line is it made us better students of the recovery process. So many had a hand in my early recovery, but this book was in there for sure.
Hopefully you have found some resolve and some ideas for what might help you stay on the path of recovery when you move forward.
I think it is important now that I have laid out all of this process, to remind everyone in here that it does not take this back breaking effort to do this. I learned the steps, I worked them, I do my best now to follow them, but if I get pissed off at work I don’t think… Hmmm what step am I on. No I do my best, and then I stay honest and reflect. I ask and if I need to make corrections then I do it, or I do my best. I fall back all the time on the idea that this is about progress not perfection.
All of this serves a purpose getting way back to the opening lines of the handout. This disease is a disease of the Spirit, is a disease of connection. The greatest blessings in my recovery have come from connections, I am better connected to God, I am better connected to my kids and my family and friends. Most overlooked but critically important, I am connected to me. I have compassion for myself and love for the journey I am on. This is the reward, this is the point and purpose of recovery. Recovery is not about avoiding problems or running from them, it is about acceptance, and not just blind stale minded acceptance. It is about seeing the cards you have been dealt and finding a way to play them. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t! Who gives a shit, because at least you are in the game.
“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard
“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” – Anne Frank
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” – Albert Camus
“No level of my own imagination could have begun to imagine my life as it is now, at no time did I worry about how great things could be. When it was hard I kept moving forward, when it was easy I kept moving forward, Right now I am still moving forward.”
Chris and Shane take you on their personal journey through good and bad boundary setting. We get real about how enabling can kill, and boundaries save addict lives. Dont miss this one.
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We are back with a new podcast, We spend time looking beyond ourselves to the people who have influenced and saved us in recovery.
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