No single word carries more multiple layered meaning in recovery than the word Acceptance. If you are like me then the word can cause a fair amount of discomfort & anxiety. I guess the first thing you should know is that is normal, okay, and even in long term recovery or everyday life acceptance is still going to feel this way most of the time.
For me and my personal journey acceptance came in the form of a radical overhaul of my entire thought process. This started about thirty days into my in-patient recovery process. During those first thirty days I tried as hard as I could to break every rule, sneak around the system, and prove the councilors did not know shit. Needless to say these were all terrible addict brain ideas, but they fit my lifestyle at the time very well. Okay so on day 31 I was hell bent to check myself out, I was determined that I was recovered, that I knew all I needed and that the staff assessment was wrong. After much discussion two strong councilors encouraged me to “come have a chat”. Each had different things to say, but the second one began with a question. “How bad do you want to be free from drugs, how badly do you want to stay alive?” This was one of those defining moments where instead of being a narcissistic smart ass I actually considered the question.
“Maybe in truth I was not ready, maybe she had a point!”
Here is what happened over the next 45 to 50 days I made it a point to just accept the fact that I was sick, that I needed help, and that I did not know how to help myself. That was really step one, and a very easy way to tie in the 12 steps….. SINCE THAT IS STEP 1. Hahahah I just realized that as I was typing this. Someone should write this shit down.
Okay so let’s just move through some facts about acceptance and see if we can get anyone uncomfortable enough to talk about it.
- Acceptance does not mean liking wanting or choosing OR EVEN CONDONING.
Consider the idea of accepting pain as part of the recovery process. Clearly no one wants to be in pain, however by accepting the reality then you avoid creating a reality where you struggle against the pain itself. You already have enough to do in recovery without creating more things to overcome. Accepting that it will be hard even overwhelming at times will allow you to focus on that alone.
- Acceptance is a learned and will need to be practiced.
I can really over simplify my journey by writing about a 60 day period of time in two paragraphs. Yes I became willing and that is part of acceptance, but I had to remind myself countless times in early recovery that I was my own worst enemy in my head and that I had to learn another way. Learning to read, learning to walk, learning is a commitment and learning acceptance will be no different.
- Acceptance does not mean “ignore progress or setting goals.” Seriously one of my greatest fears was that accepting my situation as an addict meant I would somehow lose sight of my desire to change it. You do not need to marry acceptance to apathy. I accept that recovery is a challenge and I accept that I am capable of doing hard things. It is not about giving up, it is about accepting that you can’t give up. I accept that I am a larger man that does not mean I am happy with it, I also accept that I can change it, but it will take work. I accept that, see it is some serious steps sometimes, but if I just knew I was large and that was it, I would make myself miserable everyday just for the sake of feeling like I am doing something, that is not acceptance. In order to be accepted you must look at the situation as honestly as you can.
Acceptance in this form is a method for coping with, experiences, people, places, and situational emotions etc. Once you have figured this out, it will apply so easily to so many parts of your life. Learning to accept your role in relationships, work, habits, and of course addict behavior will not only help you, but you see other roles in your life.
Acceptance has been such an amazing and difficult part of my journey, because of it I have grown so much and learned so much. Take into account that I am a huge jackass control freak. Accepting I cannot control things is still right now today like pulling a huge molar out of a healthy mouth. I was not surprised as I did research to present today that a reliable source for information came from Psycology Today website, in the article she was quick to point out that the best method for learning acceptance was the serenity prayer from AA.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“The wisdom contained in this succinct but powerful invocation is timeless, and its central premise resonates with almost everyone. On some level, we all know how important it is to accept the things we cannot change. What the research shows, and most of our experiences validate, is that our willingness to accept the unchangeable has a great deal to do with our emotional and psychological well-being. Whether we’re talking about a financial crisis, a health diagnosis, the loss of an important relationship, or any other unanticipated, unpleasant event, fighting what is won’t make it not so. Instead, when we do battle with reality, we cripple our capacity to cope with the situation and manage all the emotions we experience in response to it.
A big part of healing and recovering from the painful parts of life is accepting what’s taken place. In order to move on, we must first acknowledge what’s happening now. But, as all of us know, this is much easier said than done. Despite being one of the most important life hacks any of us can master, the practice of acceptance is enduringly difficult.” (Denise Fournier Ph.D)
I chose this topic for two reasons!
First is the critical nature of learning acceptance in early recovery. I have given several personal illustration on how this helped me. You don’t have to believe me, but it will be no different for you. Embracing the need for radical change and the need to endure the process is acceptance, and that will lead you to the first step, the natural progression of the steps will take hold in your life and recovery will truly begin.
Important to note that I am here to help you find long term sustainable recovery and a life of joy and fulfillment. With that said here is the number 2 reason for the topic.
Second is the amazing way that life just happens, the unforeseen challenges, the crazy way life unfolds. See learning to accept in early recovery becomes the ability to always accept (for the most part). This means that the inevitable challenges that you will face in the coming years of your life can be accepted without the need to go get drunk or high, or numb out at all for that matter. Look there is no perfect life, and the only people without problems are dead. So you will face problems, accepting them and grabbing them by the throat is the way to move forward in LIFE. Relationships, jobs, kids, siblings, girls, boys, and death are all quick easy reference points for where trouble can arise. It is okay, you don’t have to know the answers now, just accept that life is a journey and then start walking. You can learn as you go, most of the time it is a freaking crazy ass fun journey. Sometimes more crazy ass than fun, but it is what it is!!!!
I really want to find a way to release all of you from the painful experiences of recovery, but the truth is you will grow from them. The truth is failing to accept reality as it is creates pain where there is already enough pain to go around. I beg you to hear me when I say that acceptance is the key to serenity, it is the best and the fastest way to get the gerbil off the wheel. You do not need to go through recovery hanging by a thread and hoping you don’t get hit with a bomb. Accept what you cannot change, work on what you can, pray for the wisdom to know which is which.
“Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.”
Paul Tournier