Tag: addiction recovery

Here are the cornerstones.

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Setting my mark at 2000 days (which is about five and a half years) seems like a strange anniversary, maybe. To me, it was not even a remote possibility 2001 days ago so that seems significant and I felt like documenting some of the lessons I have learned and give everyone an idea of the formula I followed.

Now seems like a profoundly fitting time for this, mainly because everything I am writing has recently been tested by six weeks of quarantine and who knows how many more weeks still to come. Not long ago, my wife was involved in a training for suicide awareness and prevention, and the teacher gave a list of stressors that can increase the risk of suicide. The recent lockdown fit several major stressor categories. I am not going to go into them right now, but I am going to say that I have never in the last five years felt the foundation of my recovery more tested. That, for me, has been scary but it has been so well received. I am in such a good place now, and for the first time in a couple of years, I am really pushing myself for new growth and discovery.

So, I really wanted to put down in writing the things I have leaned on and recognized as my cornerstones in recovery. I will say one final thing, take this with a grain of salt, because I found a lot of cracks in my foundation and I am working tirelessly to fill them in. I have never been perfect. I don’t much care, and that is the truth, perfect does not exist, so welcome to reality, practice makes practice makes practice. We learn, we grow, we repeat.

Cornerstone Number 1. The Serenity Prayer

Worrying is not an action word. My best friend and co-host Shane once said that “worrying feels like worshipping the devil.” I really grabbed a hold of that notion and he and I have done a half dozen podcasts covering the topic. Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that worrying has been a problem for me my entire life. So, over the course of the last 2000 days one thing that has been a struggle is the need for the serenity that comes when we realize we can only control what we can and the need to let go of the rest. Just in the last few weeks as my need for control (due to insecurity and worry) has raged, I have resorted back to a practice that some of you might recall from being in rehab with me. I recite the serenity prayer over and over in my head and out loud. No single mantra has more power to ground me to the notion that the only true thing I can control is within me. I cannot change anything else, and let me tell you it brings tears to my eyes to think of the times this has worked. When I can quiet my mind I feel a true peace that comes only through serenity and that sublime understanding of what I can and cannot control.

Cornerstone number 2.     We are who we think we are

When Shane and I were in rehab together we read the book Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. We would take turns reading it out loud and discussing the various ideas in the book. It was amazing and a huge part of my recovery. One of the greatest lessons of the book is the idea that how we see the world, our perception of outside, and bigger still what is going on inside our head, is always going to be made true by our ego. What we say to ourselves matters. This means if you show up for an event and you say to yourself “This is going to suck” it will in all likelihood suck, even if the event is amazing your brain will go about finding reasons why it  should and will be awful. This is true with our self-image, our body image, the way we see and respond to friends. This is true at home and at work. Basically, it applies everywhere. For me, the key component to this area of my recovery was first understanding that the shitty thoughts about me and the world were coming from my own head, and often still do, and that I have the power to change that. Oh my, that is a seriously beautiful line to type, I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE. That is really the most important part of this second stone. What you say in your own head matters, so first off, pay attention to what you say to yourself, and then practice making it beautiful every single chance you get. This is a hard one and takes practice and more practice. If you are not used to giving yourself a pep talk it is going to feel super weird. So what! Lean into a little discomfort and watch yourself grow.

Cornerstone number 3. Open Minded Vulnerability (being teachable)

This is such a vital component of a healthy mindset. I cannot think of any single thing that  helped me start the process of overhauling myself faster and better than the idea that I could be vulnerable and open-minded. I am a serious narcissist and I struggle with that every day, but early in my recovery and actually, throughout my young life, this toxic loner mentality very nearly cost me my life. So that was the first thing I had to change when I started this process. I had to recognize that I did not know what I needed to know and that if I, in fact, could have quit I would have already done so. This concept helped me find my way to the idea that someone bigger and greater than myself was going to have to restore me to sanity. This was a far bigger step than any single paragraph could ever convey, it was a shift in my entire persona and it allowed me the chance to show the world I was weak and afraid, that I had fallen, and that I needed help getting back up. Even now writing those words made me tear up and feel deeply grateful for the love I found in this journey. I had conceded during my early recovery (without understanding what vulnerability was) that if I did not turn my will over I was going to die. I still slip up, I still think right now that the best ideas are my ideas. I am quick to recover from that, I keep myself in check by maintaining healthy relationships with my wife and family, they know they can call me out at any moment for being selfish and controlling. By the way, vulnerable never means weak. I have never been stronger than when I am listening openly to those who love and support me. I have gained so much by being humble and teachable. Free your mind my friends the world is waiting for you.

Cornerstone number 4. Be honest and accountable

Putting up a building or laying a foundation requires an absolutely level spot to start, without it the entire structure lacks strength and integrity. This is the same for recovery and  honesty and accountability become that leve base. Without it, you will struggle endlessly and if I’m being honest, likely fail. This is not just on the basic recovery stuff, this is in every facet of your life. None more crucial than first being honest with yourself. I anchored my recovery on doing and saying what I meant, I have made mistakes, I have told myself and others lies. When I do I am learning to take accountability for it quickly. No good has ever come from lying. It is the most corrosive thing in any relationship and was my biggest weakness in my young life. As an addict I did not ever tell the truth, I lived in a constant lie. When I got clean I was so blown away at the amount of energy I spent and the emotional damage I did to myself and to the ones I loved by always lying. Things are so much easier now. Yes there are hard days, but my playing field is level. My family and friends know exactly where I stand. This was a really hard habit to break. It was rooted in my lifestyle and fed the victim I had become. Taking control of your life is about being accountable for everything in your world. Yes, that means the good and the bad things in your world are likely all your fault. Owning that and being honest about it is the most powerful discovery you can make. I hope you already see why that is, but the bottom line is, if you are accountable for your life then you can change it! That is right, once you realize you create your life, the world is your oyster. I am begging you if you are struggling and you are reading this, clean out your closet and take ownership of the crap that is in it. Life is remarkable and beautiful on this side of integrity. It is never perfect, but it is a lot easier to see the world when your feet are planted on a level spot.

The cement. I can do hard things.

Don’t look for the easy way, just go straight up the face of each mountain/trial. If I have four cornerstones of my recovery then this is the cement that makes up the foundation of my life. I have always been stubborn, and it is obviously not a strength all the time. I will say however that when you turn a stubborn eye towards a problem, and you are willing to do whatever it takes to overcome the problem, then you are going straight up the face. You are leaning in, you are “embracing the suck.” Once you realize you have the capacity to do these hard things, then what can ever stop you? No, I am serious. Answer that question. If you can do hard things, that means anything that has come up in your life can be overcome. A good touch of compassion here will help you, I do hard things. I have and I always will, that does not mean I always (or need to)  love it. No one loves change, it can be tough. No rule was written that said you had to love doing hard things, actually, the idea is if you love it, then it is probably too easy. For me, the most powerful things you can remember to change the course of your life are: 1), it takes five seconds of courage to change your entire life, 2) all you have to do is make the absolute unwavering decision to change- no matter what it takes. These are powerful mantras and my wife nudges me and reminds me of these things often when I struggle.

Let’s try to end on a high note, all of these ideas have been refined in the process of my recovery. I have kept vital goals in mind. Number one and foremost is I will never ever live my life in a way that I give up my freedom again. Drugs and addiction are prisons. I will spend no more time in that prison come hell or high water. With that said I have been an open book to the ideas and teachings of better people than me. I follow the wisdom of my mentors. I do it with self-compassion and love for my life and the family that I love so dearly. I take every measure to try and extend the life I have on this earth because I have come to love it in such a deep way. You have the capacity to change, this rough outline gives a look into how I did it, but there are so many ways to recover. I pray you find one you love and grab on with both hands. I can tell you that I am evidence that your best life is right around the corner. It requires a simple shift in how you are living now. Grab ahold of your vision and go live your best life.