This episode looks at the way we alienate ourselves in recovery, helps give advice and feedback on how to stay grounded.
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This episode looks at the way we alienate ourselves in recovery, helps give advice and feedback on how to stay grounded.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
Henri Bergson, the French philosopher, said,
“All the great thinkers of humanity have left happiness in the vague so that each of them could define their own terms.”
“Well, that would be fine if it was just a secondary preoccupation in life. But now, if it is something that is going to determine the quality of every instant of our life, then we better know what it is, have some clearer idea. And probably, the fact that we don’t know that is why, so often, although we seek happiness, it seems we turn our back to it. Although we want to avoid suffering, it seems we are running somewhat towards it. And that can also come from some kind of confusions.”
Matthieu Ricard, Biochemist now Buddhist Monk
This particular topic is near and dear to me. I have in my own mind been pursuing happiness for the better part of my life, it took near death and more than 90 days at Alpine for me to realize, I had been running the wrong way nearly my entire life.
How do we define happiness? What does it feel like? Look like?
Research has shown that long-term happiness, feeling contented with life, stems from feeling and being in charge of as much of our life as possible. It’s not about smiling all the time nor does it stem from money or health, but a self-belief you are on the road you want to be on.
The problem many of us face however is that we live out of sync with what matters most to us and we find ourselves doing a lot more things we don’t like, meaning the things that contribute most to our happiness slip-off our agenda.
One of the most common reasons people seek life coaching is because they have an overall sense of unhappiness and lack of fulfilment. By helping increase self-awareness, coaching brings an understanding of where you are in your life and how you get to where you want to be.
The real trouble is addicts tend to not only move the wrong way from happiness, we tend to race away from it, caught in a spiral that leads to more and more unhappiness. If we take happiness to mean that our life lines up with our goals, and we understand at the true depth of what we are, is spiritual beings having a human experience, than any time our life does not fall in line with the greatness of our spirit we feel a deep sense of unhappiness, this grows into a lack of fulfillment, pain, suffering, and for addicts that summarizes the reasons we used and escaped. It does not mean everyone fits this perfectly, it means if it sticks you need to look at it.
Let’s look at a few basic, guidelines. Evaluate the truth in these things in each of our lives.
With these guidelines in place ask the real questions, this won’t happen overnight!
Family and friends is a huge one for me, I was all about isolation, and truly had lost touch with all of my brothers, my sister, certainly my friends and my kids all were on the outside when I was using. Finding new “real” friends and being a father to my kids are my single greatest joys in life. Even when things are hard, I can find gratitude in the fact that my children now trust me enough to share a trouble, or ask advice, or just call to say hi.
(Insert huge emotional moment when writing this)
Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
This leads us right into service, finding ways to share what we have with others is a clear and easy way to start a journey to happiness. These things contribute to the sense of meaning our lives need and our happiness craves. We find chances and opportunities to grow and believe me when I say, the God of your understanding will find a way to put people in front of you.
We don’t even need to go to the World Wide Web for this definitions. This is one of those recovery discussions that everyone reading it knows exactly what this is. Some may be much better than others, but everyone procrastinates. The real easy definition is putting off until later something you should be doing right now.
Identify
So with respect to procrastination the very first thing that you need to do to begin the process of overcoming it, is identify that you are doing it. Sometimes it is beyond easy to see yourself doing this, other times you are covertly doing this to yourself. Great example of both for me.
I wake up ready to go to the gym, however somehow in the first 10 minutes of the morning I talk myself into just going later that night. Without any real reason to do so.
I have 63 warranty claims that need to be processed, but I find fifty other things to occupy my time, then I can just tell myself I have been too busy to be caught up on warranty.
These are very simple examples, but you can begin to see that we are not always making a completely honest choice to procrastinate, at times we are letting circumstances or habits dictate how we establish our priorities. With that said there may be times where putting off a task or duty is acceptable it may just be a matter of placing a lower priority on the task, this is not procrastination. Ignoring, deflecting, or just flat not doing high priority task leads to a deeper levels of procrastination and obviously as addicts, procrastination can lead to a fatal outcome on countless levels. So we must first set proper priorities and we must recognize that we are procrastinating.
Ask yourself am I procrastinating or prioritizing?
Next we need to determine what about the item is causing us to put it off, the obvious answer would be perceived pain or difficulty. However careful evaluation could lead us to find out the procrastination is like a ghost of previous pain, or a simple habit.
Important to establish is it you or is it something about the task or item.
Will it hurt, is it hard, am I capable, have I failed before, it is scary, I don’t want to know, I already know, is it boring, will it matter
. Finally a key and contributor, is under developed, or addict brain, this can lead to improper decision making. This leads to under or over estimating the task and or its priority. You need to carefully consider where your brain is, what stage of recovery are you in? Reach out, ask a sober support friend or sponsor.
Time to formulate a strategy
Overcoming procrastination will take time and effort, because it becomes a habit, it will not happen overnight. The strategies you develop will assist you in identifying, asking, and then overcoming the need to procrastinate. Here are some of my strategies, now take them with a grain of salt because I am still working hard on procrastination myself.
We have established that in order to overcome procrastination you really need to identify that you are doing it. For me this has been about knowing I do it and the practice of not doing it. Having been diagnosed at Alpine with Generalized Anxiety disorder I took this very seriously. With that said one thing I noticed was that I procrastinated everything, I would let situations move to critical stages in order to determine the priority. Now in my addiction this made perfect sense to me, because I didn’t have any money, I never wanted to talk to anyone, and I just numbed out all these emotions and stress. Well that is not real life. Life requires attention to little details like the IRS in order to move forward, then we have bills, families, deadlines, personal health, etc. With all that said I simply pay close attention to my habits now, I pay my bills when they come, I go to the mailbox twice a week, I open all mail immediately, and then I handle my shit. Now I have said I am still guilty of procrastinating, so when I catch myself doing it, this usually starts with stuff I am putting off popping into my head and starting a little anxiety, the moment, and I mean the moment I recognize this I act. I simply refuse to let any of these thoughts follow me around and hi-jack me.
One more important idea!
Okay do not over think it, this has also been a productive method for overcoming my bad procrastinating habits. I mentioned the gym earlier, it has been a source of huge lessons in this process. I enrolled in May of last year in a fitness program by doing this I committed to a gym membership and to go at least three times a week. Thus the landscape was set for Chris as his worst procrastinating self. I immediately started thinking about when I should go, what days, how long etc. I noticed after several months it was not getting any easier. I sought help in the form of audio books. I listened to Shaun Achor’s book called the “Happiness Advantage”, in it he talks about his struggles with the gym and how he solved them, so i simply used his formula. I eliminated every excuse. I started wearing my gym close to work, under my work clothes, then because I leave at rush hour I decided to use that time for the gym so I found a location that was on my way home. Then that is where I spent that previously wasted time. Then instead of 3 times a week I decided to go every day. This eliminated three major excuses; Clothes, time, and when to go. Then I just went, I didn’t think about it before I went, I didn’t map out my day around it, I just let it be part of my routine. This was 5 months ago, since that time with very limited exceptions I have been to the gym every day.
This is a process that will require thought and commitment on your part. Just remember! It is never as good as you hope, and never as bad as you thought. JUST DO IT!
“The great irony and lesson in procrastination, is that by avoiding unpleasant things in order to not feel bad, it almost always makes us feel worse.”
This podcast is a raw look at how recovery has effected our families and ourselves. We move through a couple of letters and talk about life today.
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It takes Practice, practice, practice.
Here are 4 steps you can use as thought starters from the web.
4 Steps for Creating Healthy Boundaries
When you set your boundaries, it’s important to realize your needs are just as important as the other person’s needs. Working together to reach a compromise will help you set healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship. The steps listed below can help you establish this foundation.
Now let’s get specific about what bad boundaries look like.
A real easy rule that I live by.
“If it comes down to a happy you, or a healthy me, I take a healthy me every time.”
How about
If it comes down to keeping your secret to keep you happy, or a healthy me, I take healthy me everytime.”
You have no idea how ass backwards this sounded to me the first time I heard it, I was floored, I felt like living that way would be completely compassion less. I could not have been more wrong, and I am not afraid to tell you between my friends, and 4 grown kids, I use the mantra on almost a daily basis. The most important times I use it, are when I am feeling unsure, like I let someone down. This is a chance to evaluate that my life is still lining up with my goals, values, and aspirations. There have been many times where listening to one of my kids lash out in anger or my ex wife goes off about something. My first knee jerk reaction is to jump in the pit and start fighting, but these are ways I simply refuse to be treated, I am happy to listen, but the minute it becomes personal or abusive, I end it. I let them know that I will not tolerate it, that if they want to further communicate with me then it has to change. This method carries over into all of my interactions. Plain and simple, I am an emotionally charged individual, I am very self-aware, I cannot afford to wear thoughts or emotions that someone else has tried to pawn off on me.
How does integrity fit into this idea?
For me the answer is simple but warrants conversation, I will give you a very simple example without a lot of detail “names changed to protect the innocent” etc.
Basically during my time in rehab some rules were being broken that could and did have a negative impact on people I cared about very much. Keeping this secret worked against my own judgement and personal values, this is where my integrity came in, or in this case my lack of integrity. Now years later I am only left to ask myself how it could have worked out if I had stayed true to my integrity. The decision not to live in line with my integrity, nearly cost someone their life, and a potential prison sentence. I cannot live others’ lives for them, but we have the power within us to uphold our boundaries, and the integrity to refuse to work outside our moral compass. Very simply we can stay true to these things and stay safe, straying from these things leads to pits of growing darkness, self-doubt, and a well of sorrow that leads right back to drugs and alcohol.