The Wreckage

There is really not one way to move forward with the wreckage in recovery. There are a lot of really little ways. So with that said I thought I would try to move us towards understanding the value in what we have become, instead of focusing on the dread of who we were.

Addiction is one of the most destructive forces unleashed on the earth, it has laid waste to the hopes, dreams, and futures of millions of us. Not to mention the lasting effect and suffering of the families and friends who have lost some of us on the journey, the untold stories, the wasted futures, the unborn sons and daughters. I cannot speak with enough passion, you get it. This shit is as real as it gets. This is the battle for life and death, good versus evil, David versus Goliath.

The fantastic often unnoticed reality is by sitting with other recovering addicts you have found a way even if only briefly to glimpse the awesome power that can come from staring the Devil in the face and living to tell the tale. You have found a way through either personal, family, or legal means to get your asses to recovery. Now that you are there you had better see this from the right perspective, because the reality is you are among the elite now. As of right now you are a survivor in a battle that leaves few with anything, and even less alive at all.

So what this now comes down to is…..

What are you going to do with the chance you have been given.

Because you do in fact have a choice.

• You can take a brief reprieve from the destructive force of your addiction, catch your breath, and enjoy a few days, weeks, or months in the sunshine. Many do recovery like this, I am not sure it works, but they might argue.
• You could just learn what you can and step into a new pair of shoes, hoping and praying the day never comes when you are truly tested.
• Then again you could turn this new chance into the turning point in your life, a literal rebirth! A chance to not just see the sun shine again but a chance to actually call it through the clouds for yourself and for others. A chance to actually stand face first into the wind and face it with courage, strength, and the new found knowledge that you are a survivor!

The last line is key to the message. The life you have lived in addiction has most likely had a hideous and ugly effect on more than just you. We can all read this and immediately reference the ones we have loved and hurt. The ones we have lied too, manipulated, enabled, and abused. So where does that leave them?

It is nearly impossible for me to talk about still, but one of the hardest days I faced in recovery, was the first Sunday visiting days. I came into my rehab on a Saturday night, my son’s birthday no less October 31, 2014. I did not see my kids for a week. I remember how nervous I was to see them. They walked into the living room looking so scared, like kids visiting a dying family member, I was gripped with guilt and was trying not to burst into a fit of fearful& remorseful crying. I took them out to the basketball court to get some privacy and when my last kids foot hit they court, they burst into tears, clinging to me and crying, my oldest was 18 then and she was inconsolable for the first hour, each of my kids was just a wreck. I got through the visit the best I could, but I was so low and suicidal when they left I was starting to face the realities that I had tried to run from for the last ten years and it was an ugly reality. These four kids had been forced by me and my addiction to sit on the sideline and spectate my day by day attempts to get high or die trying.

I showed up to next morning to group on the edge of bailing out, ready to run, I had never wanted to use so badly in my life. I voiced it, and the group was split between some long term addicts close to graduation, and a lot of newbies who were in as bad or worse shape than me. Then the process begun, and one day at a time I started to work through the pain. I started to see the way the process of recovery could be a rebirth, it could give me a chance to be a newer better version of myself. As I type this it occurs to me that this is the key. You must commit to moving forward in this process, get vulnerable and stay vulnerable with the ones you love. Don’t be a pretender in this, you have caused pain and hurt! Now let those you have hurt hear and see what your pain looks like and try to see how their pain feels. Listen to the way they have felt and what they have endured. During this process you will find new and lasting places of compassion for yourself and for those you love.

You should be able to go through the process of recovery expecting that everyone you make amends to should be able to see your living amends at work every day. Always remember you cannot talk your way out of something you behaved your way into. So “Sorry” doesn’t mean shit! Listen carefully to your critical family members, they have most likely been hurt the most. Let me tell you I did none of this on my own, everyone that wanted to come walk through this shit with me was welcome and they came. My kids came and read horrible painful letters to me in my therapist office. My parents sat across from me to tell me the boundaries I crossed, the pain, and the anger they were feeling. My lifelong friend called several times and came to see with his own eyes that I was changing. My younger brothers & sister flew from where they lived to come be a part of my recovery. I welcomed them. I wanted to face as much truth as I could and then walk through the process with my councilors and peers in recovery. I can safely say every single thing about my life was touched, effected, and changed in recovery. I could not wait to get out and start showing the world the new me.

The thought now that I was willing to author my own destruction still shakes me, but it literally crushes my heart to think I was willing to destroy my children, my family, and my friends in the process. I own that every day, and it is painful, but it is honest. Most importantly I cannot change what was, I can change what is and look forward to what I hope will be. For right now, now is all I have. I make the most of it.

So what are the things I did, here are suggestions for you.

First is honesty;

I mean brutal painful, vulnerable honesty. As good as you can make it and as true as you can take it. If you are painful honest with people they will be painful honest with you. All the bullshit slips away and the bare roots of love are exposed and allowed to grow in a new and honest way. For me this has led to great blessings and some serious pain. As a father being brutally honest with my four kids was brutally hard, but not nearly as brutal as them being that honest with me. Controlling myself as my kids divulged sexual activity, drinking, and suicidal thoughts and actions elevated me to new places of self-discovery. It also has kept my kids close to me and in a loving and trusting place every steps of my recovery. I would not have it any other way.

The same brutal honesty took me out of the horrible darkness my divorce caused. Allowing the truth of my infidelity and addict behavior to be reasons my ex-wife and children all understood for our divorce was a hard place to be, but it also allowed for understanding, compassion and forgiveness from my kids, and it gave my ex-wife a lot of ammo, she already had it anyway, but it also gave her no more wall to push against. This ended bitter and ugly communication patterns, and enabled the entire family to start to heal.

Second is make the decision;

This needs to be seriously considered every day you stay clean. You cannot sit on the fence of addiction. You are either done or you are not. You CANNOT live in both worlds. You are not the one that has special powers over your drug, or drinks. You either decide here and now to recover and do this, or you are wasting your time and life will continue to be everyone else fault and you will continue to be the victim of your addiction. I have seen it over and over in recovery. If you have not made the choice, then your future is uncertain. There is no try, only DO! (Star Wars quotes in recovery)

Third has got to be humility;

Maybe someone other than me should cover this because my humility is buried somewhere under a mountain of pride….. I did and I do continue to find it. The key for me here is in my higher power. I was counseled by my religious leaders early in my marriage to recognize Gods hand in all good things in my life. When I stopped doing that and started patting myself on the back for every little thing I had and that I had done. My life as I knew it slipped away and I spent 10 years getting crushed under the weight of my own pride.  Once I realized that I was at the mercy of my higher power to save me from this horrible story I had written and let him take over, everything, and I mean everything has gotten infinitely better. There is no quicker way to loosen my pride and put my ego in check than on my knees praying to the God of my understanding. Expressing the deep gratitude I have for my children, for my life, for my job, my friends, all of you, every little thing. Oh yeah fishing, football, family, bbq, I am a living breathing miracle as are all of you. I try to remember that every single day.

Fourth is patience;

Oh holy shit you are going to need all of this and then some of everybody else to get through early recovery. The greatest gift of our D.O.C., any D.O.C., is we get high and we don’t give crap about anything we are numb, Well you have now been thrust into a world of caring about every little thing, you will need to practice, then practice some more, I practice almost every day. Key for me is meditation, I say the serenity prayer still about 30 times a day, whatever it takes. I know one thing, when I let my patients slip and I get mad, everything goes downhill from there. So I do all I can to stay patient, loving and understanding. Yes my oldest daughter and my mom still ask me at least a few times a month or more if I am “okay”, if I am using, and if I need help. It feels frustrating until I really think where those questions come from…. They come from deep and painful trauma I caused. This reminds me to be compassionate and grateful to them for the love. Who deserves my patience more than them, they deserves to be reassured time after time that I am still good. This will be a pleasure for me as long as I live. I need no validation from them in my recovery, my recovery is its own validation. They deserve my unending compassion.

Fifth has got to be compassion;

This is compassion for you and compassion for all of those who have been tangled in your mess. No matter where you stand with them now, you should be ready to own the pain you have caused. Maybe you will never get a chance to do a proper amends, because of hard feelings, death, or it could harm them. This means you will need to process these emotional feelings yourself and trust me you will need compassion. When you formulate the method and ideas for making amends with others as you go forward, if compassion is your guide you will almost never fail. Compassion which is defined as the concern for others suffering will always serve you well. You need to be careful not to allow it to become co-dependent pity or sympathy. Allowing yourself to imagine what your loved ones have felt and dealt with can be one of the most valuable steps in recovery….. by the way, it will hurt a lot if you are doing it right. Seeing your life through the eyes of someone else will help you attach to the two versions of you. The addict who you are leaving behind, and the loving warrior you are becoming. If you do this right it will move you to a higher healthier place in recovery.

Do the work!!

No one can do this for you, the harder it feels the more you will grow. Remember that everything you learn here can be applied to better and happier living throughout your life, today it is all about drugs and alcohol, but tomorrow it will be about something else. Seeing a clear path to living a more connected life of fulfillment in line with your values is the real definition of Happiness. You deserve it, the ones you love deserve it, go and get it!